This Kid Is Growing Up Without Gender Norms
This modern dad is raising his boy admirably and we should be taking notes
One of the most hotly debated issues today is gender expression. Learning the difference between “girl” and “boy” things happens early on. From assigning a color to what kids should play with, it’s quite evident.
However, many parents are now challenging this ideal. Why can’t boys like pink while girls like blue? Who assigns gender to color, toys, and other activities? Should we also continue to teach our kids these gender norms? We should all take notes from modern dad, Aaron Gouveia, who is raising his son admirably, allowing him to express himself in ways that make him happy — regardless of what society thinks.
In response to his viral tweet, Aaron wrote the book Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent’s Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity. Here, he shares 36 parenting tips for battling gender norms, bringing down “man up” culture, and helping sons realize their potential.
The Twitter thread all parents need to read:
Under his Twitter handle @DaddyFiles, Aaron expresses his anguish when his boy encountered #ToxicMasculinity for the first time.
This is my son, Sam. He’s 5. And today he learned how shitty and harmful #ToxicMasculinity is. My rage meter is spiking right now so excuse me if this is a little raw but there are some things I want to say about BS #gender norms (a thread) pic.twitter.com/NtoE2VHKsU
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
The story is heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.
He first explains how 5-year-old Sam is a rough and tumble boy who likes sports and trucks.
Sam is my middle child & he’s a terror. A “boy’s boy” as so many (not me) would say. He’s rough and tumble, he’s loud, he’s always dirty, loves trucks, plays sports and knee drops me from the couch. But he also loves a lot of “girl” things.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
But he also points out that Sam likes “girl things.” He has a collection of purses and likes nail polish.
Sam has a collection of purses because he likes to carry things around. And he also loves to have his nails painted bright colors because he thinks they “look beautiful.” And he’s right – they are beautiful… pic.twitter.com/tdMdpJZH5w
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
Contrary to popular belief, these two things can coexist and this beautiful boy proves it. So for his first day of school, Sam proudly wore bright red nail polish.
So he proudly wore his red nail polish to kindergarten this morning because Sam has absolutely no concept of nail polish only being for girls or reason to think anyone would possibly have a problem with beautiful nails. pic.twitter.com/WsHHupgw9H
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
At first, this dad didn’t worry. After all, kids that age didn’t have a concept of gender norms yet—or so he thought.
But his classmates did have a problem. A big one. Sam was ridiculed for being a boy with nail polish. They called him names and told him to take it off. This lasted the entire day.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
Mocked for the way he expressed himself, Sam greeted his mom in tears.
He called me at work, his words barely decipherable through the sobs, and I told him nothing those kids say matters. That his nails are BADASS! And the only thing that matters is whether he likes his nails. And then my heart broke…
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
Even after a call from dad, he still asked to have his nail polish removed.
“Daddy, I want mommy to take off the nail polish so they don’t make fun of me.”
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
At this point, Sam’s dad was enraged. He points out that gender norms are learned and passed down from parents. On their own, kids don’t know what makes things only for boys and only for girls.
I know these kids are only in kindergarten but this toxic masculinity bullshit is LEARNED. Learned most of the time from parents. So parents, I hope you’re proud. I hope this is what you wanted. I hope you’re satisfied.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
He holds nothing back as he expresses his disappointment in other parents.
I hope you sleep well tonight knowing order has been at least partially restored and gender norms solidified for one more little boy whose terrible infraction was having the audacity to like brightly painted fingernails.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
He also points out that he and his wife have spent years raising Sam the way he is. They’ve put in the time and effort to bring up an open-minded boy. However, in one day, that was all put to waste.
My wife and I spent five years successfully preaching tolerance, acceptance, and the importance of expression and your kids unraveled that in one school day. He now feels the shame you desperately want to associate with being different.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
But of course, raising his son admirably, this dad doesn’t leave it at that.
But I want you to know I talked to Sam and I told him those other kids are just jealous of his nails. I told him to wear an even brighter shade tomorrow. And I told him to ask these kids why they’re so upset and see what they say.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
He encouraged Sam to paint his nails an even brighter color for the next day. At the same time, he told Sam to ask them what they found offensive about his nails. Other than, of course, that they were supposedly only for girls to wear. This, I think, is interesting and something all parents should mull over.
I bet they don’t know. I bet their parents don’t even know. But what I do know is Sam is a goddamn fireworks show of a human being and I won’t let that be dulled for a second by this restrictive bullshit that’s been choking boys forever.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
Ultimately, his dad let Sam decide if he wanted to keep his nail polish on or not. At the same time, he reminded him that his favorites like Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Capt. Jack Sparrow wear it. Both of these stars are seen as masculine who also smash gender norms by putting on nail polish.
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In a campaign advocating against child abuse, Chris Hemsworth paints his nail and encourages other male celebrities to do the same. The #PolishedMan movement gained astounding support from men around the world. It aims to end all kinds of violence against children, quite like what Sam experienced.
Most of all, Sam was reminded that he should do things because it makes him feel good.
But more importantly I told him it doesn’t matter what anyone else does because what you wear and how you look should make YOU look good. And to hell with everyone else.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
Continuing to squash these antiquated gender norms, Sam’s older brother Will stood up for him too.
After careful consideration, he’s leaving it on. Because he likes it and it makes him feel good. Then Sam’s 10-year-old brother painted HIS nails in solidarity with his sibling, at which point I nearly cried.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
We love that 10-year-old Will knew exactly what it meant, and getting teased didn’t matter to him. He was standing up with and for his little brother. Following suit, their dad asked Sam for a color to paint his nails in, too.
That moved me to paint MY nails. Sam picked out this color called “Main Squeeze” & I think it’s understated but lovely. Sam is sticking with red because “it’s pretty and good luck for the @patriots.” #ItsOnlyWeirdIfItDoesntWork pic.twitter.com/KtuwldiEJw
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
Sam not only decided to still wear nail polish, he also stuck with the bright red color.
He further proves that it’s pretty while it also shows support for his favorite football team, the Patriots. In closing, the dad has this beautiful sentiment to share:
Intolerant parents and their offspring scored a minor victory today but they won’t win the war. I know that because the Sams of the world aren’t going to suffer this bullshit anymore. Of that I have no doubt.
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
You keep doing you, Sam! You are a beautiful boy who’s so brave for fighting these gender norms. In a world full of hate, we need more people like you.
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Read the full Twitter thread here.
