Real Talk
Being a People Pleaser: How Love Becomes Toxic
People Pleaser (n.) – Someone who is constantly trying to make everybody happy, even at the cost of their own happiness.
Some would say that Filipinos are people pleasers. (Mulder, 1994) Coupled with our virtue of hospitality, it’s difficult to draw the line between being courteous and making it a priority to please people. When people are quick to associate an entire family’s moral code and class with a single family member’s mistake, it’s easier to think about what makes the family happy and the surrounding people happy. After all, tied to the need to please the family and the surrounding people is the need to please God. (Yabut, 2018)
Fawning: The Defense Mechanism of a People Pleaser
We’re aware of three different defense mechanisms: fight, flight, and freeze. But fawning is the fourth one that many people don’t talk about because it seems normal to want people to be happy. Most especially in parenthood, we feel like everything we do is wrong, which stresses us out. To alleviate or avoid stress, some of us become more vigilant about body mannerisms and even word choices to the point it becomes awkward.
How Fawning Looks Like
It’s not easy to spot fawning because Filipinos praise individuals who think about others and less of themselves. But those who fawn or are pathological people pleasers behave in certain ways that look obvious. Although they are evidently anxious and a little more meticulous that it’s borderline neurotic, here are other ways that people pleasers behave:
- Inflexible planners – People pleasers are inflexible planners because they want everything to “fall in like clockwork” to make sure there are no mistakes. They flip out at the slightest change in schedule because that means people will notice that something’s wrong and they’ll be dissatisfied and make comments about how they’re not prepared which to them is equivalent to failure.
- There’s only success and failure; nothing in between – Many of these people pleasers grew up in a volatile environment that usually says “my way or the high way.” It’s why they easily get discouraged when someone comments on something they made. It can get toxic for others who grew up seeing criticism as a road for improvement, whereas people-pleasers see it as a downright failure.
- They are phobic of failure – Oftentimes; they have atichyphobia — fear of failure. They often end up rambling and freaking out when something goes wrong.
- They tend to hyperfixate – Especially when they make a mistake, the only thing they end up focusing on is the one thing that went wrong and not all the things that went right. It’s like there’s a white wall but they’ll search for that tiny black dot and stare at it for hours.
- Hypervigilance – People pleasers and fawners zero-in on even the slightest mannerisms. The twitch of an eyebrow, the purse of the lips, tone of voice — all these fall under body language which people-pleasers are sensitive to. It’s also why stoic people unnerve them.
Where does this come from?
Because Filipinos don’t like “rocking the boat” or as we say — ayaw magkagulo, we prefer suppressing our real feelings to “maintain the peace within the group.” And with the virtue of hiya, we’re more sensitive to certain unspoken rules or displeasure expressed through body language.
Another is because Filipinos are hot-blooded. There is no line between punishment and discipline. Most traditional Filipino parents use methods that are often distressing. It leaves a strong impression, with it defining itself as a traumatic experience because the following encounters result in people “walking on eggshells.”
The need stems from fear of punishment or pressure.
Although Filipinos praise people pleasing and frame it as “empathy,” it becomes toxic when the culture demands that the needs of the community are prioritized above all else. This is also why mental health isn’t an easy topic to talk about here; with many of those still claiming that “depression is selfish” or teasingly saying that “they just need Jesus,” when that hurts a lot more than it sounds. However, the first step to change a people pleaser’s personality lies in accepting that there’s no way to make everyone happy. We can try our best but if they’re not happy despite it, like many Filipinos say, bahala sila!
References
Child, F. B., & Child, M. (2005). Personality Traits.
Dullas, A. R., Yncierto, K. D., Labiano, M. A., & Marcelo, J. C. (2021). Determinants of a variety of deviant behaviors: an analysis of family satisfaction, personality traits, and their relationship to deviant behaviors among filipino adolescents. Frontiers in psychology, 12, 645126.
Ehman, K. (2021). When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable: How to Break the Pattern of People Pleasing and Confidently Live Your Life. Zondervan.
Hinton Jr, A. O., McReynolds, M. R., Martinez, D., Shuler, H. D., & Termini, C. M. (2020). The power of saying no. EMBO reports, 21(7), e50918.
Yabut, H. The Development of the Filipino Spirituality Scale. (2018). De La Salle University.
Mulder, N. (1994). Filipino culture and social analysis. Philippine Studies, 42(1), 80-90.
More things about Filipino culture?
How Utang na Loob Made Filipino Families Toxic
How The Eldest Sibling Becomes The Third Parent
Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma and Toxic Patterns
