Real Talk
Bianca Valerio: Breaking Her Silence
Sexual abuse is a hard topic to talk about on its own. But when you’re a parent who’s experienced it firsthand, there is the question of when and how to explain this traumatic experience to your child.
In an exclusive story on Modern Parenting, Bianca Valerio opens up about her ordeal and how she’s breaking the cycle. This story first came out in Modern Parenting’s special Mother’s Day-Father’s Day 2023 Print Edition available on https://sarisari.shopping/.
“What did you think about my video and what I said?”
These were the words I told my daughter after I released the video about my assault. Releasing the video itself wasn’t easy—it took a long time before I felt ready to come out with my story, and the decision to do so was partly for myself, partly because I wanted to make sure this didn’t happen to anyone else. But part of what made it difficult included the impact it might have on the people closest to me, like my daughter and my parents. It was one thing to face public scrutiny; it was another to talk to the people I love. Because how do you talk about something as complex as sexual assault?
To read the full article, grab a copy of Modern Parenting’s special Mother’s Day-Father’s Day 2023 Print Edition. It’s available on sarisari.shopping. Or you can download the e-Magazine from Readly or Press Reader.
How The Cycle Begins
Figures of authority have an impact on children, and it’s not just limited to the home. Kids spend most of their time at school, and sometimes their parents are busy. So a school and its administration are meant to protect children, and teachers become their second parents.
But that’s not always the case.
To read the full article, grab a copy of Modern Parenting’s special Mother’s Day-Father’s Day 2023 Print Edition. It’s available on sarisari.shopping. Or you can download the e-Magazine from Readly or Press Reader.
Breaking the toxic cycle
Working through the trauma with myself and my therapist made me realize these things. I also began seeing my assaulter in a different light. What did he want power over? What made him want to commit this act of violence? Perhaps he was also bullied as a child. Perhaps he didn’t get the chance to process those overwhelming emotions in a healthy way. But I do know this: he was a product of a society that taught him to solve problems through power.
To read the full article, grab a copy of Modern Parenting’s special Mother’s Day-Father’s Day 2023 Print Edition. It’s available on sarisari.shopping. Or you can download the e-Magazine from Readly or Press Reader.
“So it’s passed down to their kids, who model this for their kids, and so on.”
And we’re not just talking about parents of people who may be assaulted. We’re also about parents of those who may be the assaulters. If we want to break the cycle of abuse and assault, we can’t just stop at “Don’t put yourself in these situations.” We need better conversations about what causes violence and how to nip it in the bud—especially with our children.
It’s common for parents to solve their children’s problems for them since we don’t want to see them hurt. But when we do this, we’re actually telling them two things: that somebody’s going to solve all their problems, and somebody else will feel their feelings for them.
To read the full article, grab a copy of Modern Parenting’s special Mother’s Day-Father’s Day 2023 Print Edition. It’s available on sarisari.shopping. Or you can download the e-Magazine from Readly or Press Reader.
The hardest thing I had to do
When I finally decided to tell my parents about what happened to me, I wanted to spare them the agony of the details of the incident. I understand that if my parents knew that this happened to me, it would already be hard enough for them, especially with the potential backlash from other people.
So I decided to tell them through a handwritten letter to help them through the experience. In particular, I told them: “You have to remember: what happened to me is not a reflection of you, it’s actually how
I dealt with it that is a reflection of you.”
I could say that this was one of the ways I worked to break the cycle. While I cannot change what happened in the past—for me or my parents—my awareness allows me to create new patterns. And in a way, it’s through these actions that I am able to help my parents break out as well. While parents will always be their kids’ first teachers, there’s a lot kids can teach their parents, too. I am simply glad that I had come this far to be able to be in that position.
To read the full article, grab a copy of Modern Parenting’s special Mother’s Day-Father’s Day 2023 Print Edition. It’s available on sarisari.shopping. Or you can download the e-Magazine from Readly or Press Reader.
More about dealing with trauma?
Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma and Toxic Patterns
Trauma Dumping: What It Is and Why We Do It
Maxene Magalona Gets Real About Childhood Trauma and Its Effects on Adulthood
