To All Cycle Breaking Parents, We’re With You

Breaking the cycle of broken and hurtful parenting isn’t easy, especially when we’re aware of how broken we are.

When we become parents or dream of becoming one, we swear that we’re going to break the cycle—that is, by not making the same mistakes our parents made. We vow this by holding onto the memories of our own parents’ hurtful parenting when we wanted a safe space. Blow-by-blow, word-for-word, those terrible moments were only meant to serve one purpose: to remind us to never be like that.

Unfortunately, holding onto those memories may also be why we somehow continue the cycle instead of breaking it.

The comfort and cons of a cycle

A cycle comforts on an exhausting day. When work just has too many deliverables, when “carmageddon” (or hellish traffic) robs us of 3 hours of our life on our way home, or when we’re just not in the mood, we want life just to proceed and to “get things over with.” Knowing that we’re part of a cycle assures us that we’re aware and capable enough to deal with things like these—so long as they follow that same pattern.

But in parenting, no two days are the same. One moment we’re just busying ourselves in the house or scrolling through social media for some downtime then, bam! The door swings open with accusations flying back and forth. The kids are screaming loud enough for the parish in the next barangay to hear. By then, all the alarms in our heads are ringing.

Wait, this isn’t part of the script!

So we fight and try a way to “restore” what is familiar. We rack our brains and subconsciously search for memories that could offer solutions, or at least, come up with a logical explanation for why everyone’s screaming like the house is on fire.

Eventually, we find one. The clearest memory we have on hand is the one we’re accustomed to when we ourselves were kids—the one where they screamed at us too.

So, we do exactly that: we yell. We snap and the battle’s over. The house is quiet, but not the happy kind. Like any battle, there’s always an aftermath and it’s usually not a pretty sight.

But that’s the critical part!

Once our anger finally simmers down and the adrenaline fades, we soon realize that we made the same mistake our parents did. When our kids were dealing with something scary by screaming or doing something that interrupted our daily cycle, we saw them as a “threat” to our peace. So, like any threat, we dealt with it.

But in that heated moment, we forget that the “threat” is our kids.

At some point, we’re ashamed and left with a new problem: how to move forward and repair what has been said and done. That memory we’ve long held onto offers no answers. What we remember after that can range from trudging to our rooms, slamming the doors, getting yelled at for slamming the said door, and then being called to join the family for dinner. It’s a silent meal before our parents start talking like nothing ever happened.

But that’s the critical part: we can choose to face the fear of not knowing what happens when we apologize to our children or just let Time be the judge. But the difference is: that we know what happens if we choose the latter. Our kids will stew in their thoughts, remember this moment for the rest of their lives, make the same vow we did when they became parents, and probably make the same parenting mistake we did today.

Thus, we try to apologize. It feels awkward. The feeling of failure fills us. But nobody said that breaking the cycle of hurtful parenting is easy. It’s not easy letting go of something familiar. But why do we turn to something so familiar yet so hurtful, at the expense of our kids?

No shame in falling back when we do our best to repair the damage it has done.

There’s also no shame in admitting how jealous we are of some parents who make breaking the cycle look so easy on social media. Those parents probably chose not to call out their parents on social media because that drama isn’t needed. They want to keep the peace. To just move on from it all. And most importantly, they’ve found better ways to break the cycle by themselves.

Because what matters is their family now.

But they probably have moments like we do. There are days when, just like us, they will temporarily slip back into the cycle. Why? Because some days harder than the rest. However, we know that the parents who choose to break the cycle have the hardest part of the job: they have to learn parenting but with no parenting library to work with because they know theirs isn’t reliable.

They are fighting battles that nobody else can see. Slowly, silently, and steadfastly—they make the vow to give children the childhood they didn’t have.

To the parents who are breaking the cycle consciously yet silently, we want to say that we’re proud of you. Even during the days when you accidentally slip back into that cycle, all the more we are with you. If the kids see a bit of it or get hurt because of it, work it out with them.

While we may never get the childhood we wanted, we can definitely give our kids the one they deserve.

More comfort reads?

Dear Parents, Please Allow Yourselves To Grieve
Can Parents Learn to Love When They Didn’t Grow Up With It?
Role Reversal: When Children “Raise” Their Parents