“Kindness with a Closed Fist:” Why Being “Tough” On Our Kids Helps (Sometimes)
Being “tough” on our kids isn’t always such a bad thing. Here’s why:
As cases of mental health rise, we sometimes ask ourselves, “Are we spoiling our kids?” Or, “Why is the new generation so soft?” And in some way, we may have “overdone” being gentle. We began to associate being “tough” with our kids as being “traumatizing.” But this doesn’t mean neglecting the other extreme: being “too tough” can break them just as badly.
However, let’s be honest: the world has already decided to be tough on them, whether we like it or not.
In what ways does being “tough” help? Here are some of them:
1. Giving them a “standard”
Ever wonder why some achieve the impossible like it’s just an ordinary day? It’s because they grew up living and fighting at a higher standard. And probably, dealt with harsher conditions too.
When kids have a standard, the more they learn to hold a particular boundary. They will learn that some things are just not negotiable, especially when they fail to address the problem.
2. Not everyone has the patience
Our unconditional love may fuel our patience for our kids’ booboos, but people outside don’t have that. And if they do have a whit of patience, they still get to mull over whether to grant them said mercy or chew them out. After all, some industries like medicine, banking, and law have very skinny margins for failure.
So, yes, “yelling” may be frowned upon nowadays. But let’s be real: they will make mistakes, and the world will yell. There are people in the world who will scream bloody murder over something or anything. Unfortunately, sometimes, we have to be the ones to demonstrate how and why that happens.
3. It pushes them to be more resourceful
As Aesop’s fable once said, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”
Sure, technology has streamlined a lot of things, but it can only execute commands. It can’t really be designed by itself; that’s something only humans can do. Technology still needs a human mind to direct it or tell it what to do.
At the same time, what happens when the internet and electricity go? Then, they’ll have to do things manually. Hopefully, they don’t immediately resort to brute force. Plus, they can’t just sit there and freak out either.
So, that sometimes means depriving them of a calculator when doing age-appropriate math or reducing their online food delivery allowance by half. After all, there are just some traditional skills that still make sense in the modern world.
4. They’re more willing to see their flaws
One of the biggest complaints people have about the new generation is that they struggle with criticism and accepting their mistakes. While there is a proper way to critique and point out flaws, some figure that their way of calling out their flaws is the right way. Unfortunately, it may also be the only way they know how.
While our kids can try to communicate and say that’s not how they want to be told off, the speed at which things run nowadays may not offer many opportunities for them to sit down and talk. Plus, the people they’ll fight with are not us. They’ll probably even shoot back with, “Well, too bad, I’m not your mom/dad! Get over it!”
So, being tough on our kids shows that there are just some “blows” they’ll have to take.
Plus, it’ll also teach them: “Choose your battles because 99% of the time, it’s one they have to be ready to lose.”
5. It teaches them about rules and consequences
It’s the theme of every John Wick movie: “Rules and consequences.” Violence aside, the philosophy makes sense.
Every place in the world has rules, and while they all can be broken, we also have to accept the consequences that come with it. While we often tell our kids to “go out and change the world,” we often forget to tell them that they have to play by some rules before their dreams become a reality.
The earlier they understand the rules, the harder it will be for them to be disillusioned and to let go of their dream. Eventually, they might even figure out the loopholes behind them and change the rules in the process.
Being tough ≠ harsh
Whether we like it or not, adversity is how most people develop the ability to thrive. Issues happen because the world’s existing solutions don’t completely repair them. So, it takes someone to invent a way out. Or at least, someone who is “crazy” enough to try.
But there’s still a fine line between being tough and harsh. When we get too carried away with being tough and start rationalizing even the most unreasonable ways, then we may have to double-check:
- Is our “being tough” warranted?
- What will our kids learn from our being tough?
- Most of all, will they even figure out why we’re being tough?
As much as we comfort ourselves with the idea “they’ll thank me when they’re older,” that’s a gamble on our part too. How many times are we willing to let them risk what they have until the lesson sticks? Sometimes, those risks can be life-threatening!
The most important part about “being tough” on the kids is that it has to make logical sense as to why you’re tough on them. And when you feel guilty for doing so, remember that you still have a chance to sit down and talk about it with them.
FAQ: Is Being “Tough” on Kids Really Bad?
Not at all. Being tough means setting standards, enforcing rules, and teaching kids about resilience. Being harsh, on the other hand, crosses into unreasonable punishment or actions that harm more than they help. The key is balance—kids need firmness, not fear.
Being tough helps kids develop grit and adaptability. It pushes them to be resourceful, teaches them to accept criticism, and prepares them for a world that won’t always be gentle. It’s about equipping them with life skills, not about breaking their spirit.
They might feel upset in the moment, but when toughness is explained with love and followed by open communication, kids are more likely to understand why you’re setting boundaries. The important part is to circle back—explain the lesson and show that your toughness comes from care.
It could be as simple as asking your child to redo their homework instead of fixing mistakes for them, limiting gadget use during study time, or letting them face the natural consequences of forgetting something at home. These moments feel tough, but they help kids grow.
Ask yourself three things: Is my action logical? Will my child understand the reason behind it? Will this lesson help them thrive in the long run? If the answer is no, it may be crossing into harshness rather than healthy toughness.
More about discipline and tough love for kids?
Parents Might Be Understanding Tough Love the Wrong Way
How Can I Avoid Raising Entitled Kids?
Abuse vs. Discipline: What are the Differences?
