“Self-Harm isn’t Always Obvious:” What Filipino Parents Need to Know
Understanding the hidden signs, struggles, and ways to help our children heal after self-harm
Trigger warning: topics and writings involve self-harm
When we hear “self-harm,” most parents picture something graphic—cuts on wrists, sharp objects, blood. It’s what movies and media have shown us.
But the truth is: self-harm doesn’t always look like that.
In many Filipino homes, it can look quieter. Invisible. A teen who “forgets” to eat. A child who pulls their hair out during stress. A parent who works themselves to exhaustion because rest feels undeserved.
Self-harm isn’t always about wanting to die. Sometimes, it’s about wanting to feel—to gain control, to punish oneself, or to release emotions too big to name.
What Self-Harm Really Means
According to the Department of Health (DOH) and the Philippine Mental Health Association (PMHA), self-harm (or non-suicidal self-injury) is any deliberate act of hurting oneself as a way to cope with overwhelming feelings.
This could include:
- Scratching or pinching the skin until it bruises or bleeds
- Pulling hair or hitting oneself
- Refusing to eat or overeating as punishment
- Engaging in reckless or self-destructive behavior (e.g., unsafe driving, binge drinking, overexercising, overworking)
- Staying in toxic relationships out of guilt or fear of being alone
For parents, this can be terrifying to witness—especially when it’s your child. But it’s crucial to remember: self-harm is not always a suicide attempt. It’s a signal, a symptom, and sometimes a cry for connection.
Why It’s So Misunderstood in the Philippines
Culturally, Filipinos are raised to be resilient. We say “tiis lang,” “kaya ‘yan,” or “don’t be dramatic,” or “ang OA mo naman.”
But for young people especially, these phrases can shut down emotional honesty.
Instead of processing pain, they internalize it.
Instead of exploding, they implode.
A 2023 study by the World Health Organization (WHO) found that 1 in 5 adolescents in the Philippines have experienced self-harm thoughts or behaviors. Yet many never tell anyone—for fear of judgment or being called emo, arte, or attention-seeking.
The truth? Most of them are just trying to survive.
Signs Your Child (or You) Might Be Self-Harming Without Realizing It
Not all self-harm leaves visible scars. Watch out for these subtle signs:
- Frequent “accidents” like burns, scratches, or bruises with vague explanations
- Wearing long sleeves or jackets even in the heat.
- Sudden withdrawal or avoiding friends, school, or family gatherings
- Negative self-talk, guilt, or extreme perfectionism (“I’m never good enough.”).
- Sometimes, they engage in self-depracating humor and extreme cynicism.
- Others resist feeling happiness because they think “something bad” will happen right after.
- Changes in eating or sleeping habits, like overeating, starving, oversleeping, and insomnia.
- Risk-taking behaviors like extreme dieting, drinking, or overworking.
Sometimes, even adults fall into subtle self-harm patterns: denying rest, self-sabotaging success, or isolating out of shame.
What Parents Can Do If They Suspect Self-Harm
Self-harm can be triggering and scary to think about. But when our kids are engaging in self-harm, we need to push past that. Things can escalate if we’re not careful. Here’s what we can do.
Respond, don’t react.
Especially when they’re mid-way through the attempt, respond by ensuring they’re not in any real physical danger. Clean up the wounds. Move any substances they’ve been binging on away from them. Remove them from their room (if it’s their computer or their phones that’s causing the problem).
Any form of panic or anger will make them retreat further and become more “clever” in hiding their attempts.
Ask gently, not accusingly.
Those who self-harm are more than aware that what they’re doing is wrong. But they do because they feel they’re backed into a corner. There’s nothing left to lose for them because they can’t feel anything. Joy. Sadness. Nothing. They believe pain can remind them they’re alive.
When asking, keep our voices low and soothing like lo-fi music. A genuine, “Hey, how are you? We haven’t talked lately,” can help.
But don’t expect an immediate response; there will be some resistance. They don’t do so because they don’t trust us. It’s because the shame is silencing them.
Remove the shame.
Explain that pain is not weakness and that emotions deserve care. Not punishment.
Seek professional help early.
Self-harm needs compassionate intervention, not discipline. Therapists, psychiatrists, and guidance counselors can help find the root of the self-harm while offering healthier coping strategies.
Model self-kindness.
Children copy what we show. When they see us resting, setting boundaries, and showing vulnerability, they learn healing is human—not shameful.
Where to Find Help in the Philippines
If you or your child may be self-harming, reach out to these trusted local resources:
- National Mental Health Crisis Hotline – 1553 (landline) / 0966-351-4518 (Globe) / 0908-639-2672 (Smart)
- MindNation – www.mindnation.com (Online therapy and mental wellness programs)
- In Touch Community Services – www.in-touch.org
- UP Diliman PsychServ – psychserv.upd.edu.ph
- Ateneo Bulatao Center – www.bulataocenter.org
All offer online and in-person counseling services, including free or affordable sessions for Filipino parents and students.
A Gentle Reminder to Parents
Self-harm has various motivations. Sometimes, people self-harm because they’ve grown too numb from the stress. No amount of achievements can make them smile. So, they hurt themselves because it’s undeniable. Blood. Bruises. Bottles of alcohol. Black eye bags. All clear signs.
A lot of times, the ones who hurt themselves are the ones trying hardest not to hurt anyone else. While it’s quick and easy to get angry and feel hurt that our children are self-harming, we have to remind ourselves that they’re not doing this because we’re failing as parents. Something’s up, and it’s up to us to create that space where they can figure that out.
Because when we give them that space to feel, then the need to punish oneself goes away. Emotions are not meant to be punished. They’re meant to be navigated—just like everything else.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Not always. Many people use self-harm to cope, not to end their lives. However, it can be a warning sign of deep emotional distress and should never be ignored.
Listen, but don’t dismiss it. “Stress” may be their way of downplaying pain. Offer empathy and gently suggest professional help.
Yes. While Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) have proven to help curb self-harm tendencies in individuals, some may respond better to other therapies like Art Therapy or Pet Therapy.
Schools often hire licensed guidance counselors to help kids. They’re trained in mental health first aid, making them more familiar with signs of self-harm.
It’s okay if they do so initially. Just keep them within range; let them eventually come to the idea. Show that you’re more than willing to support them throughout the therapy. It may mean discovering some of the things we’ve done to hurt them, but it’s there.
More about mental health?
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