Leah Eriguel: Healing from your ‘mother-ache stories’

Narrative coach Leah Eriguel shares how perspective matters in healing mother-daughter relationships.

I am 4 years old. I wake up and my mother is not beside me. I panic and rush out of the room. From my view above the stairs, I could see her gardening. My heart swells with so much relief and love that it could burst.

I run down the flight of stairs and hug her from the back. “Mama!” I scream with joy. Yet she turns to me, and I see a scorned look. “Ano ba, don’t you see I’m busy?” My heart breaks.

Are Your Mother Stories Complicated?

When I think of the phrase, “It’s complicated,” I think of the relationship I had with my mother and how all the love between us was caught in a thick soup of secrets, shame and guilt, garnished with too many expectations and misunderstandings.

The experience of yearning for a mother affects women on such deep levels that it is often carried not just throughout a woman’s lifetime but even passed down through generations. -Kelly McDaniel, Mother Hunger

“Passed down through generations” is exactly what happened between me and my then-tween daughter. Never mind all the times growing up when I promised myself I would not turn into my mother. The truth is our lives are made up of patterns. All the best intentions are not enough — change has to actually happen.

At the lowest point in my life, faced with a failed marriage and two kids, I decided I would face my fears, get to know myself better and do the Inner Work. That required me to take a look at my loop stories and ask myself, ‘were they really true?’  

You see, the stories we tell ourselves shape our lives, yet none of our stories are 100% true because they are subjective. Perspective matters, especially when it comes to our mothers.

Healing from your mother-ache story

So what are “mother-ache stories”? These are narrative loops that are in your head that you continue to hold, beliefs and patterns internalized from early dynamics with your mother that may cause you to subconsciously limit yourself and sabotage your relationship with yourself and others. I learned from Mother Wound expert, Bethany Webster that our mother’s eyes are our first eyes. Her vision formed how we see ourselves and the world. 

But what if our mothers had their own mother-ache story? What if no matter how much she wanted to, she didn’t know how to give you the love you needed to feel seen, affirmed and safe in yourself and the world, because she didn’t get that either?

When we learn to hide our true feelings, they stay festering underneath, operating out of our conscious control. We find ourselves repeating old hurtful patterns. It is only when we change our unhealthy patterns that the healing begins.

In creating my Reframing Your Mother-Ache Story course, I realized the term “mother wound” somehow felt unresolvable for me. As words have great power, I wanted a term that encapsulated the courage to acknowledge you are hurting, while being able to heal this ache within.

Unfortunately there are still many of us who think that speaking of the pain caused by our mothers is some form of betrayal – or walang utang na loob, as if being a mother automatically absolves a woman of being human and having flaws. There are at least two unhealthy sides to holding on to this belief. One, your child learns to repress hurt feelings. Two, as a mother, you believe that doing everything right is part of your work scope. This causes mothers to chase the myth of perfection, and anxiety becomes par for the course. Imagine the freedom of self-compassion – and then shine that same compassionate lens upon your mother who could only give what she had been given. Perspective can truly be a game changer.

Here is one of my core memories: My mother is in the ICU after her third stroke. She takes my hand and says, “I’m sorry to be such a bother. I think I’m holding on because I’m finally seeing that you love me pala.” The thick soup gets caught in my throat. I pray that in our next lifetime, we are mother and daughter again, so we would know to be kinder to each other. 

Blame Is Not the Answer

Healing from your mother-ache story is not about blaming your mother. It is taking accountability for your own growth. It’s about us, embracing all of ourselves with acceptance and self-compassion and learning to nurture ourselves in ways we need so we can mirror it for our daughters.

Recently, I was on a coffee date with my daughter, now 35 and married. Casually, she quips: “It’s interesting how, growing up, I saw you doing the Inner Work, and it was just natural for me to take that same journey. I wish more people knew how important it is and how it changes our lives.”

After 20 years in media and corporate marketing, Leah found purpose in reinventing herself as a Certified Narrative Coach through her coaching business founded in 2018. A Palanca Awardee, Leah guides others to reframe their stories through the power of writing to heal. Follow @heartworkshealing on IG.

This story about Leah Eriguel first came out in Modern Parenting’s special Holiday 2024 Print Edition available on https://sarisari.shopping/.

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