Real Talk

Dear Angry Parents, It’s Not Selfish to Rage

by Kevyn Gohu
August 11, 2025

While many speak about the benefits of Gentle Parenting, it’s not easy especially as angry parents

Everyone aspires to be a Gentle Parent. They’re the ones who seem to have a long line of patience and can hold boundaries even with the kids screaming to the top of their lungs in a public place. However, it’s not easy, especially when we’ve tried everything from the Gentle Parenting coaches and books. At some point, we will become angry parents. We will raise our voice. We will say a lot of things.

And when the dust clears after losing it, the shame settles in. We hear a mean voice in our heads mocking us, “So much for Gentle Parenting.”

While many speak about the benefits of Gentle Parenting, it's not easy especially as "angry" parents

But our anger is proof that we feel deeply

Like many therapists and Gentle Parenting coaches have explained, anger is no easy emotion for kids to deal with. They learn how to manage it from us.

However, it’s not easy for parents either. Managing work, raising little people, juggling schedules, and staying healthy ourselves — that’s a lot of stress. These things don’t even occur only once; it’s a daily process that whittles down our patience and energy, surprising us with weird, spontaneous things here and there. Eventually, with all our energy spent, it’ll be hard to accommodate everything else.

So when our children start screaming, it can destroy that balance we’ve so painstakingly built. But with all the Gentle Parenting content flooding social media, we try our best to emulate it. We hold our boundaries, breathe in and out, and hold back our rage for as long as we can. And when we fail to do so, the shame and anger can feel soul-crushing.

While many see anger as a negative emotion, it’s also important to recognize that it’s been a part of us ever since. Anger is part of our survival instincts kit to show others that we were hurt or something is threatening us. And let’s not lie, our kids’ behaviors — even if they’re not intending to — can feel intimidating.

Anger is a natural part of being human

Unfortunately, the trend of Gentle Parenting can make some of us feel ashamed of being angry. We feel selfish in doing so; it’s a short-lived relief—everything stops when people around us know we’re furious. So there’s a calm for a short moment. But that’s when we hear that shaming voice:

“So much for Gentle Parenting.”

“Good going. You traumatized the kids.”

And when these thoughts become unbearable, we suppress our rage. We start thinking that being a parent means we no longer have the privilege to be angry. But the truth is: anger was never a privilege; it’s a natural part of our emotional spectrum. And to honor and feel that rage, it’s not selfish at all.

Doing so, in fact, helps us become better parents because one way or another, the kids may have inherited our way of expressing anger. Or even more, they probably feel anger as strongly as we do. So when we feel it firsthand and we see the physical signs of anger in them, we can look at them (and ourselves) with more compassion.

To the angry parents, you are not selfish

To let yourself feel angry, that’s completely okay! We all feel it at some point because it’s how we acknowledge something that has hurt us. It also shows us how willing we are to fight for something.

However, to be consumed and let the anger control the following actions is a different story. Our anger may make certain actions more appealing, but it doesn’t mean we have to choose them. And if we do choose them with anger as the reason, then we only have one option: to own it.

To the many parents who have struggled coping with their anger and temper, we want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with feeling them. Frustration, fear, helplessness, hopelessness, irritation—parenting doesn’t always need to appear like we’ve got everything “worked out.” It’ll be messy.

While there’ll be days that our anger will be the parenting highlight, the opposite is also true: days when it’s all belly-aching laughs and smiles are the parenting highlight also exist. And that’s what honoring the anger helps us appreciate.