Simple Parenting Hacks That Can Make Kids Feel Seen Or Heard
Validating kids’ big feelings, especially in moments of discipline, can be a bit easier with these steps.
When kids have big feelings, it’s easy to initially see it as a form of “resistance” or rebellion. But their resistance and rebellion aren’t malicious like we think it is: sometimes, it’s genuine confusion. Kids are always looking for a reason why: why they need to brush their teeth, why should they dress fancy for a birthday party, etc. By using these hacks, we accomplish three things: 1.) answer their questions, 2.) teach them that it’s okay to feel confused or frustrated with you or anyone, and 3.) model a more productive method of handling distress.
1. The “Yeah, I didn’t like it either back then,” Approach
There were some things we hated as kids but tolerated for the sake of not getting scolded, punished, or the best case scenario: our parents gave a satisfactory explanation back then. Expressing that you didn’t like it as a kid too also helps kids realize that their annoyed feelings are completely normal. It certainly worked when my mom asked me to take ballet and tween me gave her a loud, resounding, “No! I’m not dancing around and looking like a cupcake!”
At first, I thought she’d be angry. But then she responded, “Yeah, I hated it too. The kids kept making fun of me when I went home in a tutu.”
It showed that she respected my views on dancing in a pink tutu (which didn’t fit my personality at all). Plus, she didn’t push the issue after. However, she did insist on watching some ballet musicals on DVD which was a pretty good compromise. There are just some things that we may want our kids to do but, logically, it’s not worth it.
2. Give them a choice
Kids flip out because they feel they don’t have a choice, especially with us as the clear authority figure. Instead, offer them two choices which are similar to the one we like. If we want them to wear a dress, pick a color or a design they like. While some of us dream of dressing our little girls in tulle dresses, some little girls are not comfortable with the material’s slightly rough texture. Some materials, just because of aesthetics, can look itchy.
If it’s food, vegetables are the usual fight here. During their toddler years, kids are still biologically wired to believe anything green is disgusting and possibly harmful to their bodies because their bitter tastebuds are not fully developed yet. Instead, offer them ways they’d like to flavor their veggies. It helps them become imaginative and works with their learning style: experimental.
For example, if they’re glaring at the broccoli and they say it tastes bad. Say, “Yeah, how about we add some cheese to it? Cheese makes everything taste better!”
Most kids will never say no to cheese. For those who do, soy sauce or ketchup might be a good alternative. Honey mustard is good too for those who want sweet vegetables.
3. Praise them for letting you know
We’re already frustrated with people in the workplace who don’t tell us what they want. But remember: they learned that behavior from their home. At home, they were probably silenced or their feelings were constantly minimized back then because traditionally, what a parent said goes — no matter how much discomfort it caused them. But we want to encourage our kids to be open with their feelings so praising them to letting us know doesn’t just make them feel seen or heard. It also teaches them that telling people what they need gets them places faster.
A quick “Thank you for letting me know because now we know how to deal with the problem!” also models to kids that being transparent about their feelings with us is a good response.
4. Avoid saying “It’s not that bad.” or “Don’t worry.”
“It’s not that bad” only works after the thing is over, not before. Fear and uncertainty, especially in kids, make everything look harmful and distressing. Although we adults have experience and wisdom on our side, kids don’t. Instead, hold their hand and say, “Well, it’s kinda there. Why don’t we see what it’s about together?” Emphasize the word “together” so they know they’re not alone, making it less scary.
5. Admit that you too make mistakes
It’s a bit ouch at first but, admitting that we make mistakes also makes kids feel seen or heard because it models to them how we deal with our frustration. Getting angry and laughing at our mistakes also helps lessen the tension for both them and our inner child while calming us down enough to figure out where their feelings are coming from.
This gives your kids a voice!
While some may see it as disrespectful when kids express their opinions and emotions, allowing them to do so prepares them for the real world wherein people will use all sorts of tactics to win arguments. These hacks will also serve as our kids’ inner voices when they deal with their feelings: these are what can stop our kids from falling into depression and anxiety. Although a part of us may feel frustrated when we can’t convince them to see things our way, we need to remember that they’re not doing so to disrespect us or make us feel like we’re awful parents. Their rebellion or resistance is their confusion manifest. But with these hacks, hopefully, the resistance will be a lot less.
More modern parenting hacks?
The Role of Grandparents and Their Importance in Children’s Lives
Conscious Discipline: Why Every Parent Must Know It
John Lloyd Cruz Gives Insights on Co-Parenting and Being a Dad
