Sorry, Moms and Dads, A Bowl of Fruit isn’t Always The Best Kind of Apology

Common in Asian families, the older generation of parents often apologize through acts of service. Yet, apologies hit differently when there’s a verbal one accompanying it.

Laughable but true, one of the most obvious signs that a person grew up in a traditional Asian family is their struggle to verbally apologize. Some children don’t even know how to say “I’m sorry” in their native language unless their most used one is English. In most cases, children who grew up with this kind of household will often recall either a “bowl of fruit” or any simple act of service as their form of apology.

However, acts of service like those don’t always bury the hatchet. Sometimes, it leaves things to fester.

Acts of Service: One of the most common love languages in Asian families

Although the many YouTube and Facebook reels send a message that only Chinese and Korean parents apologize this way, it’s quite prominent too in Filipino families.

But to fully understand why Filipinos opt to apologize via acts of service – we need to see apology not just from the viewpoint of the affected individuals but through the eyes of the family. In a culture where being included or being accepted into a community is the greatest form of love, the usual expression of this kind of love is the willingness to do things for one another – even if it’s distressing to accomplish (Rungduin, Rungduin, and Acopio, 2020).

Thus, it’s safe to assume that the opposite or an expression of dislike or distaste is the unwillingness to do something with or for them. Acts of service are one of the more concrete expressions of love so, withholding such communicates that we don’t see that person as a part of the community or as one of the people we love.

Thus when parents and children fight, there’s a coldness in the air wherein both parties will make their absence in each other’s lives known (Moore, 2023). If and when they’re ready to love again, they offer the proverbial “olive branch” in the form of a bowl of fruit or chore as if to say, “I’m ready to see you as a part of the family again. I love you.”

Saying Sorry: Another Act of Service

Yet, there are days when a bowl of fruit or the willingness to service another is not the closure the other needs. Especially when kids only master the ability to understand non-verbal social cues during their teen years, an act of service may seem dismissive of the damage done. The act of service and the moment of hurt may feel like two mutually exclusive events, further driving a wedge between parent and child.

At the same time, apologizing as parents may trigger feelings of hurt that stem from our childhood. Especially when we had vehemently promised ourselves not to hurt our children the way our parents did, apologizing makes that broken promise a reality. And as many know, while breaking promises is easy, earning that trust back is not.

So, to avoid verbally apologizing, we resort to what our parents did. Acts of service – it worked with us so it should work our kids too!

But what if verbally apologizing is the act of service? Unfortunately, we often undermine how much service the act of verbalizing our apology does because we often use it to de-escalate things (George, 2020). It’s our first reaction to scream out “I’m sorry!” when things get bad in hopes of stopping things from escalating.

That reactive cry is what devalues the verbal apology: how sure are we that the apology is a sincere choice to try and repair things?

Thus, the act of verbally apologizing even after things settle down can still be seen as an act of service. It accomplishes two things: not only does it give experiential proof, but it also communicates, “I know I’m wrong and I want you to know that I am aware of this. That, and I want to repair things.”

There’s more than one love language

Studies have proven that people have different ways of perceiving love, hence, the theory of the five love languages (Adams, 2020; Chapman, 2020). While some love languages are not our forte, it may be the only way our children will feel loved the most. And like any other language, there’s a learning curve. But once we’re over that learning curve, the laughters, the smiles, and the openness of communication will make us wonder why we even believed that verbal apologies were so difficult to begin with.

References

Adams, A. (2020). Exploring love languages: The key to building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Adams-Clark, A. A., Lee, A. H., Martin, C. G., Zarosinski, A., & Zalewski, M. (2021). Characterizing Maternal Apology Attitudes and Behaviors. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30, 2379-2391.

Chapman, G., & Deal, R. L. (2020). Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Moody Publishers.

George, A. M. (2020). Sorry is not enough: Apology as a crisis management tactic.

Marcinechová, D., Záhorcová, L., & Lohazerová, K. (2024). Self-forgiveness, guilt, shame, and parental stress among parents of children with autism spectrum disorder. Current Psychology, 43(3), 2277-2292.

Moore, S. M. (2023). Family history research and distressing emotions. Genealogy, 7(2), 26.

Rungduin, D. C., Rungduin, T. T., & Acopio, J. R. B. (2020). Role of shared identity (Kapwa) in forgiving others: A collectivistic approach in understanding forgiveness. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research, 35(4), 617-636.

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