Real Talk

How Parents Can Help When Their Kids Are Suicidal

by Kevyn Gohu
October 5, 2023

Suicidal ideation or being suicidal doesn’t manifest in the same way which is why parents need to know multiple ways to find the signs and help their children.

Suicide, unfortunately, isn’t usually a loud outcry for help like they show in the movies. Some don’t even reveal their intentions. They just do it. But there are various reasons why people and even kids become suicidal. Some want release from what they feel is never-ending distress, others want control of their lives back, and others no longer want to deal with the compounding nihilist sense of self-hate wherein, they feel that nothing they do matters.

But there is a way to catch it before it grows. By detecting their suicide ideation, we can arrest the problem before it grows.

How Parents Can Help When Their Kids Are Suicidal

What is Suicide Ideation?

Many studies define suicide ideation as an intrusive and destructive thought pattern filled with pain, hopelessness, and varying levels of numbness (Gliatto and Rai, 1999; Van Spijker, Batterham, Calear, Farrer, Christensen, Reynolds, and Kerkhof, 2014; Klonsky, May, and Saffer, 2016; Jobes and Joiner, 2019).

These thoughts become so loud that no amount of work, events, or encounters can distract those who have high levels of suicide ideation anymore. They become anhedonic — a condition wherein they struggle to feel even the slightest amount of joy. Not even their favorite custom drink from their beloved coffee shop can spark joy. It most especially occurs when it’s the same old routine every day. There’s a higher chance that those with suicide ideation won’t be able to ignore the thoughts.

However, whether they act upon it or not also appears to depend on their existing knowledge of Life and Death (Beck, Kovacs, and Weissman, 1979). This would also explain why many in the healthcare industry like doctors, nurses, and even veterinarians have high levels of suicide ideation (Skipper and Williams, 2012). They’re constantly exposed to the inevitable truth of Life and Death. And in exchange for learning the ability to preserve life, the pressure narrows the windows of opportunity to preserve theirs (Bismark, Smallwood, Jain, and Willis, 2022).

Suicidality (or the risk of suicide) in the Philippines: Where does it show?

Finding out kids are suicidal isn’t usually a good dinner table topic or a conversation that any parent wants to have. But it’s one that’s needed especially when much of the distress is due to whose opinion matters more: society or family (Chiu and Vargo, 2022). Most especially in regard to gender identity and expression, the risk for suicide ideation and suicide attempts is double the chance (Manalastas, 2013, 2016). Some attribute the increasing risk of suicide ideation to how deeply embedded religion is in Filipino culture. Although we value family, many Filipinos base their idea of what a family is only on the Bible. Because we’re so biased towards it, we rarely adapt or adjust well when we see something new, unable to hide our discomfort.

Besides that, the existing and rigid premises of what a man and woman should be are also what raised the levels, revealing that Philippine young men are more susceptible to suicide than women (Page, Yanagishita, Suwanteerangkul, Zarco, Mei-Lee, and Miao, 2006). Moreover, the studies revealed that some of these responses may be lacking because they didn’t want to say for the sake of desirable in the eyes of a society which is a strong trait, especially in Southeast Asian cultures like the Philippines (Cimene, Buko, and Nacaya, 2022).

Signs of Suicide Ideation or our kids being suicidal

The most common symptom of these include withdrawal but, if we look at the bigger picture, it’s more of a pattern. Assuming that suicide is an impulse decision, people will notice sudden changes in personality. One moment they’re ready to throw in the towel and then the next moment, they’re partying like there’s no tomorrow. They behave in ways that are not natural for their character, and it shows how they smile or pursue their usual hobbies.

Kids who are artistically inclined may leave a trail because those feelings do manifest in their art. From the change of colors to even the selection of words, they see their art as the safest place to express their suicide ideation. It’s also why Art Therapy flourished as a healing method for psychology and psychiatry.

There are kids who also once used to play safe and are now all of a sudden taking risks — both calculated and not. They go drinking, smoking, or doing anything that’s life-threatening because the possibility of dying thrills them. It reminds them that they’re alive.

Depending on our kids’ nature and personality, those who are more quiet may show their suicide ideation more passively.

Real Talk: How Parents Can Help When Their Kids Are Suicidal

What happens when we do find the signs?

The tricky part about handling kids who are suicidal is that you’re trying to empower someone to fight against themselves. Additionally, we are fighting against an opponent we can’t see. That frustration tends to boil up and we may react by assuming that they’re blaming us for their feelings of suicidality. But that’s the last thing they want to do. Because their thoughts and feelings are more scrambled than the usual scrambled eggs, they may come out in components and leave us with a messy mental jigsaw puzzle.

But there is one advantage we do have in the situation and it’s that we can put those pieces together properly because we are separate from the mental mess. When dealing with a situation with possible suicide attempts, go in with these three thoughts:

Do not immediately assume that they are blaming you unless they explicitly say it. And when they do, it’s because one of the things we told them doesn’t make logical sense to their own feelings. So their pain demands they clarify it.
They are in anguish and they want it to stop. When we’re in pain, we don’t think straight. For those of us who went through a natural birth, we probably wanted to kill someone to let our agony go somewhere. Irrational, true. But we still thought about it.
Nobody is the villain here. Not them, not us — it’s painful to watch and we want to tell them too but when suicide ideation gets loud, they cannot hear us. Imagine a power drill being whirred loudly right into our ears. That’s how loud it sounds to them.

We can’t say that, “We understand,” because that’s a lie: we don’t. Sometimes, it’s better to stay quiet and nod. Even short statements like, “Yeah, that sounds like it really sucks,” may do a lot better than, “We understand,” because it validates their feelings and what they said.

With that in mind, the next part is a test of communication skills. There are two goals: create a safe space in a tense situation wherein they can talk without judgment and make sure they keep on talking to allow their emotions to settle so they can see the choice to walk away. Suppress any urge to retort or make any side comments because the last thing they need and want to hear is how wrong their thoughts are. Although their thoughts are irrational, their feelings are very real.

Doing these will make sure nobody — including ourselves — feel like the villains in the story.

Love is the virtue, empathy is the skill.

When dealing with kids who may have suicide ideation or are suicidal, empathy is the way to respond. But empathy is a skill that’s constantly updating with various methods with no one-size-fits-all. Some may see advice-giving as pity, and others may see it as a possible solution. But if the initial method doesn’t work, don’t be disheartened. There are more important things to focus on and that’s making sure our kids remember that the love we have for them can empower them to make their suicidal thoughts go away.

But if things are escalating, the Department of Health (DOH) did open some hotlines we can contact so things don’t get any worse.

Reference

Beck, A. T., Kovacs, M., & Weissman, A. (1979). Assessment of suicidal intention: the Scale for Suicide Ideation. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 47(2), 343.

Bismark, M., Smallwood, N., Jain, R., & Willis, K. (2022). Thoughts of suicide or self-harm among healthcare workers during the COVID-19 pandemic: qualitative analysis of open-ended survey responses. BJPsych open, 8(4), e113.

Chiu, H., & Vargo, E. J. (2022). Bullying and other risk factors related to adolescent suicidal behaviours in the Philippines: a look into the 2011 GSHS Survey. BMC psychiatry, 22(1), 1-12.

Cimene, F. T. A., Buko, M. L., & Nacaya, I. M. Q. (2022). The Causes of Suicide and Its Socio-demographic Factors in the Philippines. Pakistan Journal of Life & Social Sciences, 20(1).

Gliatto, M. F., & Rai, A. K. (1999). Evaluation and treatment of patients with suicidal ideation. American family physician, 59(6), 1500-1506.

Jobes, D. A., & Joiner, T. E. (2019). Reflections on suicidal ideation.

Klonsky, E. D., May, A. M., & Saffer, B. Y. (2016). Suicide, suicide attempts, and suicidal ideation. Annual review of clinical psychology, 12, 307-330.

Lie, H., & Liou, J. C. (2018). Suicide behavior among junior high school students in Philippines and Indonesia associated with the social factors. Alcohol, 12(17), 19.

Manalastas, E. J. (2013). Sexual orientation and suicide risk in the Philippines: Evidence from a nationally representative sample of young Filipino men. Philippine Journal of Psychology, 46(1), 1-13.

Manalastas, E. J. (2016). Suicide ideation and suicide attempt among young lesbian and bisexual Filipina women: Evidence for disparities in the Philippines. Asian Women, 32(3), 101-120.

Page, R. M., Yanagishita, J., Suwanteerangkul, J., Zarco, E. P., Mei-Lee, C., & Miao, N. F. (2006). Hopelessness and loneliness among suicide attempters in school-based samples of Taiwanese, Philippine and Thai adolescents. School psychology international, 27(5), 583-598.

Skipper, G. E., & Williams, J. B. (2012). Failure to acknowledge high suicide risk among veterinarians. Journal of veterinary medical education, 39(1), 79-82.

Van Spijker, B. A., Batterham, P. J., Calear, A. L., Farrer, L., Christensen, H., Reynolds, J., & Kerkhof, A. J. (2014). The Suicidal Ideation Attributes Scale (SIDAS): Community‐based validation study of a new scale for the measurement of suicidal ideation. Suicide and Life‐Threatening Behavior, 44(4), 408-419.