When Two Opposites Come Together
How my father taught me strength and my mother taught me tenderness
I grew up with two devoted parents who were, interestingly, spectrum opposites of one another. There goes the saying opposites attract, but I never fully understood what that meant until recently, when I found a partner of my own.
I recall growing up and how that experience was radically different for me as the eldest sibling. The jokes are true – you really are the experiment child as the firstborn. I bumped heads with both my parents often, for different reasons. But looking back at everything now, I find that my relationship with my parents has created a version of myself I am proud to be.
The loving strength of my Dad
I adored my father growing up, with a very deep desire to impress him. He was stern and straightforward. He was logical and went by the book. He despised disrespect, as any person would. In moments we disagreed, we really disagreed. There were doors slamming, a lot of miscommunication here and there, even a full month where we didn’t speak to one another. When I reached my later teenage years, those moments doubled in volume. I found him strict, he found me stubborn. Then – an epiphany. Out of nowhere, my father began to open up with his challenges growing up and how that led him to expect the best of his children. I’m sure any father would feel the same. My father wasn’t the best at expressing himself with words, but he sure did show it if he loved you. Even if that meant some tough love. But he will always, always have your back.
I’m a very organized, system-driven perfectionist. I owe that to my father, who has taught me that strength is found in willpower. I grew up a forgetful person and mastered the art of building good habits. I grew up afraid of rejection (okay, maybe I still am a little afraid of rejection), and learned that there is no shame in trying again. I grew up wanting to please every single person I came across, but realized that you get to choose who deserves your loyalty. Make sure to stick to them. I grew up easily disheartened by circumstance, but my father picked me up, dusted off the dirt on my knees, and pushed me to walk again. Perseverance, and doing what you love, will never go to waste. I see that now in the way he proceeds with his work, loving the people who work with him and pushing them to their utmost potential.
For context, my father is the Operations Director for a family restaurant. One night, he drove me home after a long day and told me, “You need to encourage people, Noelle. Empower them. Then, they do great things.”
In that moment, I realized that was the reason he was tough with me all my life – why he pushed me so hard and expected the best of me. Today, I can tell you that I do great things because I have an unwavering backbone I get to call my father.
My mom’s gentle and comforting touch
My mother, on the other hand, I take from the most. People called me her carbon copy growing up, which I found to be the best compliment. She is a beautiful, artistic woman who created a home for my family. Mom cooks, sings, dances, designs, draws, paints, and cries with me when we watch a sad film. She is unafraid to live life in full color. Though in retrospect, it’s interesting that we were so alike yet still managed to clash heads. Our struggles were quiet and gentle. We had a lot of emotional spats as I got older, many instances where our words hurt one another due to spite and a lack of poise (more on my end, sadly). I would be frustrated with her at times because she would remain silent in moments I expected her to speak up. But my mother is like water, she is gentle and flows endlessly. She pours her heart out into the things and people she loves, never expecting anything in return. She remains hushed in times of agony, because she would much rather prefer to be kind than correct.
I am a deep-feeling, expressive, patient person. I owe that to my mother, who has taught me tenderness is a form of compassion. I grew up sharp with words and learned the skill of holding your tongue. You can never take back what you say.
I grew up easily irritable (again, I still am at times) and have come to understand that leveling with a person makes it so much easier to treat them with kindness. I grew up holding back my artistic nature in fear of judgment, but have now embraced it as my profession and source of joy. I love to celebrate, to sing and laugh and dance, because my mother showed me first how liberating it is to be yourself. My mother is that person who pretends she is full so you can have the last slice of cake. My all-time favorite quote goes, “I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” It is no surprise why that quote has such a hold on my heart. It’s because it is my mother, actualized.
Partners forever
In 2019, our family had a crisis. I watched as my dad remained steadfast, and my mother, softhearted. Together, they were a bulletproof vest, taking each blow without flinching. Alright, perhaps they flinched at times, but where they lacked, they also filled each other with. My mother, showing my father vulnerability, and my father, showing my mother resilience. They were magic then. They are magic now. How lucky am I to be a product of two people like them.
As I reflect on who I am, my genetic makeup shows it all. My father is in my hands, strong and unwavering. My mother is in my soul, good-natured and expressive.
I am honored to exist.
Happy 25th anniversary, Mom and Dad. Your children love you.
More about parents and kids
Parental Preference: When Our Kids Like One Parent More Than The Other
Coregulation: A Successful Parenting Strategy That Helps Tame Toddler Tantrums
