Real Talk

When Kids Say No: “It’s Not Disrespect; It’s Communication”

by Kevyn Gohu
June 3, 2025

Respecting boundaries is a must, but when it comes to our kids, sometimes we see their “no” as an act of disrespect

Boundaries are there for a reason. When we stop holding it, we get hurt in all sorts of ways — both intentional and accidental. Unfortunately, there’s a bit of a caveat here: as parents, we can handle adults holding boundaries. However, with our kids, their saying “no” can sometimes trigger something. We feel slighted and off-balance because, all our lives, we were taught: parents are the authority in the house. So, hearing our kids say “no” to us can upset that worldview and make us snap. But they express those for a reason; when kids disrespect, we often see that they have nothing to gain from it.

However, parents are supposed to rule the house. Why should parents allow kids to say “no”?

Respecting boundaries is a must, but when it comes to our kids, sometimes we see their "no" as an act of disrespect

The Fear Of “Losing Control”

When our kids start expressing their own opinions contrary to our own, it’s not easy to catch the intrusive thought that says, “they’re disrespecting us.” By the time we do, we will have already acted upon it.

Whether we realize its reactionary nature or justify our explosion, however, is something we need to reflect on. Why did we lose control? Why did we react this way? In most cases, the cause is simple: the fear of losing control of the home. Because growing up, we’ve learned both the good and hard way that parents are “king and queen” of the house. What they say goes.

Besides, no one likes losing control. Trusting in forces and things we can’t see isn’t easy. Most especially when people say, “It’s on the internet!” or “Just Google it!” With the way people post things willy-nilly, it’s difficult (unless we have the time, effort, and patience) to try and figure out the basis of their thoughts.

The Blurred Line Between Control & Love

It’s quite common in Filipino families where we drop everything in the name of “family.” The definition of what that family is also rigid: blood relations and age. The older the person is, the less liberty one is to say no. It’s why when someone says “no” to family things, we can feel that change in the air. The change that says, “If they don’t want to join us now, why should we let them join later?”

It may be an anxious thought, but it’s an unspoken mannerism that even most Filipinos don’t notice. “It’s either you’re with us or against us” — that mentality isn’t always explicitly mentioned, but it’s subliminal. We see how willing we are to share jokes with one relative and not the other to how we don’t include certain family members in the group chats unless an elder “insists.”

And even then, it’s just what Filipinos call “pangporma.” Or, PR.

Besides, We’re Their “Training” For The Real World

Calling the rise of mental health issues in kids a “resilience issue” barely scrapes what happens underneath. Depression and anxiety are mental health issues that stem from losing control. But it doesn’t just happen because they keep getting rejected. It can also come from saying yes for too long; when we constantly lash out at our kids for saying “no,” we teach them that their “no” means nothing. To gain our love means to say “yes” to everything we ask. They’ll also focus on simply “pacifying” us. Not why we’re insisting on our way.

That eventually translates to work. Why do the younger generations get burned out at work nowadays? The answer falls back to parenting: we represent all the authority figures they will face. Which means, it also doesn’t make sense to be a doormat because that just teaches them the world is out there to serve them.

So what can we do? If we’re highly prone to indulging our reactions, then recognize that they do have their consequences whenever we flip out at their no’s. Because the more they do that, they’ll lose their ability to say “no” when they get older. We’re their practice dummies, and while it may be annoying for a while, it will help them deal with the people who are unreasonable with their demands.