Real Talk

“Talo Ang Pikon”: Anger Has No Place in Parenting & Discipline

by Kevyn Gohu
October 30, 2024

No, this doesn’t mean we parents aren’t allowed to feel angry. Here’s what we mean –

As we parents discipline their kids, we become less strangers to feelings of frustration and anger. At some point, we even attain a certain level of calm and acceptance that kids will do what they do. However, as our kids discover boundaries and try to push them, we may find ourselves confronting distressing feelings and unresolved issues. We then explode, unable to regulate these unresolved issues.

While anger can immediately turn the tides of the dialogue in our favor, we’re more worried about the aftermath. This is why Filipinos have an old saying: “Talo ang pikon.” or “Whoever gets frustrated, loses.”

Origin of “Talo ang pikon”

We often use the word pikon to describe situations or people that are frustrating or oversensitive. In stressful situations, we often say, “Nakakapikon naman ‘to!” which usually translates to, “This is so frustrating!” If we taunt or goad a person, we say, “Pikon ka, no?” which we translate to, “You’re getting touchy!”

Yet, despite it’s wide use, it’s rare to hear it in the context of a proverb.

While there’s no exact origin, some of us have heard this Tagalog proverb even from our own parents and our grandparents. We’ve probably heard variations of the saying like “Bawal pikon, kasi pag pikon talo ka” or “Ang pikon, talo” and we often say this to our kids who are about to get angry at someone. But the saying also applies to parents, most especially in the context of disciplining our kids.

How the saying plays out at home

Imagine: the room is a mess. The kids are screaming over something and our partners are just letting them do it. We’re probably thinking, “We never did this back at home!” or “If I did this at home, my mom/dad would scream at me!” Besides the fear and shock, we’re also confused especially if we set the boundary of “no screaming in the house.”

So we eventually lose it: we either match their level by shouting or freeze, overwhelmed by everything.

But the critical point is when everything stops and the spotlight is on us. With everyone staring at us, we also get overwhelmed. After expending the energy to scream or flip out, we need time to reload or prepare our line of thought. Thus, the uncomfortable silence. Unfortunately, that awkward moment is the most critical of them all – it’s the proverbial parenting fork in the road: do I snap or do I settle down?

In our frustration, we rarely choose the latter and instead choose to snap. We start cursing and screaming all sorts of things. Sometimes, due to the stress and shame, we even repress the memory which is why we get defensive when our kids call us out.

However, that decision is what truly leads us to a loss. It’s not just us who lose the fight but also our kids. While we lose ourselves to our rage and unresolved feelings, our kids lose to a potential teaching moment.

But this doesn’t mean we don’t have a right to be angry.

However, that doesn’t mean we bottle up all those negative emotions. A lot of times, that’s where the proverb applies. Because we’re too busy holding everything in, we eventually let our negative emotions loose. Once the temper explodes, we either forget or don’t notice that the people around us may not even be the cause of our frustration. They’re usually just the metaphorical pebble that caused the boulder to tumble down.

So what do we do with our anger when it starts to reach the boiling point?

Understanding our “anger”

First, we recognize where the anger is coming from and who it’s meant for. Is it really meant for the kids? Or is it meant for us who feel ashamed that our parenting didn’t stick? Regardless of the reason, the anger is the first thing to settle. In any disciplinary situation, anger does nothing except mess up our ability to communicate. We want to express so many things but in our anger, we focus on the thing that’s hurting us first which sometimes is not even related to the situation at hand.

A lot of times, our being pikon comes from the resurfacing of unresolved feelings and issues. In our effort to find closure or make it more “manageable,” we release it to reduce the pressure. Unfortunately, our kids become the target and the family loses out also on the chances on making happier memories.