Chronic Loneliness: Parenting Alone Is Hard
While we have a village to help us in our journey of parenting, sometimes – it can still get a little lonely. This is what we call Chronic Loneliness Syndrome.
Ever feel an emptiness inside even if we’re surrounded by family and friends? They could be partying or laughing, nothing went wrong that day, and yet, we find ourselves empty. There’s a void inside even with our kids laughing and playing in our faces. That’s the thing about Chronic Loneliness Syndrome; while we work up a laugh or a smile for our loved ones, a part of us still feels we’re parenting alone.
A place where there’s absolutely no joy or no sadness – it’s a part of us we can’t explain and it nips at our minds until we go mad.
Chronic Loneliness Syndrome: How can that be when everything is A-Okay?
It’s not easy accepting our loneliness; how could we be when we’re surrounded by the people we love? While single parenthood clearly expresses “one parent,” how do we end up parenting alone even in a two-parent household?
Imagine this: Everything seems okay; all our schedules are falling into place, the kids are fine, and our partners are fine but somehow, we have this unsettling feeling in our stomach or blockage that prevents us from completely feeling that joy. So, we try everything. From praying and thanking whoever we believe in for all the things they’ve given us to us trying to change the scenery, it just won’t go away.
Once the feeling becomes unbearable, we start doing all sorts of things. Anything thrilling; trying new activities, going shopping with special mechanics, and sometimes – we even willingly challenge our allergies to see what will happen.
So, where did it all go wrong?
Lonely Parenting: When Expectations Aren’t Met
Emotional loneliness is not as uncommon as we think, especially in parenting and in the context of discipline. Disciplining and holding boundaries without giving in to our frustration can be so emotionally taxing especially when our partners don’t agree or worse, enable, our kids’ behaviors. While we can be too strict at times, there are some days we just want our partners to follow our lead.
Unfortunately, that’s where the problem starts. When we start to expect our partners to know our every move or “get us” then they fall short, the resentment and isolation start to build. Even more so when our kids start choosing a “favorite” parent. Whether it’s because they let the kids get away with more things or that particular parent is there more for the good times, we feel alone in our parenting.
When Parenting Becomes A Duty, Not An Experience
As the expectations start to take their toll on us, we also start seeing parenting with a more professional lens. While it’s good to have some emotional detachment (to control tempers), it’s not good when we can’t even enjoy the wins out of parenting. At some point, everything feels like a loss too: nobody knows what we’re thinking; not even our partners who often dreamed of starting a family with us in the first place!
The worst part is when we do open up, we hear things like, “I think you’re thinking too hard.” or “You’re fine!” Unfortunately, words like those do nothing but send us deeper into that hole that we’ve been trying to climb out of. Eventually, we succumb to learned helplessness: there’s nothing we can do to soothe loneliness except get used to it and say, “It’s part of the job.”
How do we fight the chronic loneliness found in parenting?
On the days we feel like we’re parenting alone, we often look for “allies” (or in Tagalog, kakampi) or those who align with our thoughts. In other words, we seek validation: we try to find parents who don’t think we’re crazy. They understand (or at least appear to) where we’re coming from, especially in our parenting frustrations. It’s a fantasy that we want to live in forever.
But like all fantasies, they don’t unless we work at it. Sometimes, it’ll mean figuring ourselves out for a while. Other times, it’ll mean truly fighting it out with our partners. The void we get from feeling that we’re parenting alone demands we fill it with something by letting it out. It sounds funny but sometimes, revealing our emptiness allows something to replace it.
So to parents who feel they’re parenting alone or realize they have Chronic Loneliness syndrome, know that you’re not alone. There are those who feel the same and we’re with you all the way.
More about parents’ mental health?
Truths About Seeking Mental Health Help
5 Reminders On Mental Health At Work
How Does Having the Mental Health Law in the Philippines Help Families?