Real Talk

The Unspoken & Hard Truths About Dads’ Mental Health

by Kevyn Gohu
June 19, 2025

As the world becomes more accepting of moms to open up about mental health, the same should go for dads

As moms become more open with their mental health and wellness, the same should apply to dads. Just like mom, they handle a lot of things at home. They handle and ensure money flows and lighten the load for mom whenever and however they can. But that doesn’t mean that they get the better end of the parenting stick. They have their own struggles, many of which are rarely spoken about. The heartbreaking part is — we only see the manifests, and the world judges them for it. Harshly.

Here are some unspoken and hard truths about dads and their mental health:

As the world becomes more accepting of moms to open up about mental health, the same should go for dads

Dads experience postpartum depression just like moms.

While their bodies didn’t undergo the physical trauma of childbirth, there’s the emotional trauma and transition. As new moms adjust to motherhood, new dads also have their plates piled high with things to worry about. Besides the costs of necessities and counting the number of work hours he has to file for to maximize the overtime benefits, they also have to deal with the mood swings at home.

They also often experience feelings of “disconnect” during postpartum. Moms and babies have a clear and physical connection, but dads don’t have that bridge (Davenport and Swami, 2022; Davenport, Lambie, Owen, and Swami, 2022). They have to build that bridge on their own, and it can be tough when mom’s mood swings insist on a “my way or the highway” approach, or if there were complications during pregnancy and delivery that caused a near-death experience (Pedersen, Maindal, and Ryom, 2021; Kothari, Bruxner, Dulhunty, Ballard, and Callaway, 2022).

To cope, dads are more prone to using substances to stay “stable.”

We always paint a picture that our dads are “Superman.” He may not wear the red cape and have a big red “S” on his chest, but we grew up believing that our dads could fight anything. He was indestructible. Undefeatable.

So when our dads open up about hurt feelings and trauma, we sometimes find ourselves overwhelmed. It contradicts the truth we have about them, which is why we’re more prone to quashing it down. Unfortunately, some dads are already aware of this. They resort to trying every coping mechanism in the book, especially substance-based methods (Galea, 2023). In most cases, dads resort to alcohol because 1) they feel it’s a lot cheaper than therapy, 2) it’s accessible in any convenience store and supermarket, and 3) it fits the worldview that dads drink a lot anyway.

Dads are more prone to resist therapy because it’s not masculine.

For many years, we’ve been raised with the thought that going to therapy means we’re permanently broken. “You’ll never be normal” — that thought is why some parents still fear telling their children the diagnosis or that they’re in therapy, calling those appointments “tutorials” or “summer classes” instead.

Unfortunately, that kind of thought exists in dads, too. However, the source is different. Going to therapy is not “masculine” and considered a form of weakness (Frye, 2022). Being emotionally vulnerable — even more so! Because of that, they’re more prone to reacting aggressively or dismissively when someone suggests it. Just like moms, we’ve placed dads on this pedestal that assumes they can and should take on everything just to earn a family’s respect.

If there are mother wounds, then there are father wounds too.

A kid’s relationship with their dad is just as impactful as one with their mom. They offer a different kind of emotional support which perfectly complements mom’s. While moms are supposedly more nurturing, dads are more on the pragmatic and practical side, demonstrating ways to weather the stress.

Because dads are more kinetic or into movement, they offer a more physical way of socializing with kids. Moms are more into verbal and kids feel more comforted by their mother when their activities are more relaxing in nature. On the other hand, they feel more joy when dads play with them.

So when a dad isn’t in a picture or they have unhealed wounds from their own dads, it can pass to their kids, too.

How can we preserve or maintain a dad’s mental health?

Similar to moms, mental health isn’t an easy topic to approach. Some dads may be aggressive and defensive about it, but it’s only because they’re not comfortable with being vulnerable. That dent in the armor is something they knew about for a while but are not ready to “pound out,” as they say. At times, they’ll say a lot of painful things, too. So, to eventually sell the idea of preserving their mental health to them, here are some things we can do:

Let him have his hobbies. Even if it involves a trip to the toy store, his hobbies help him come up with ways to bond with the kids. And when he does come up with ideas, moms get free “me time.”
Cut him off alcohol or any substance when it gets too much. While yes, it’ll be the source of arguments, alcohol binging and chain smoking will do him no good in the long run. Remind him that it’s only a temporary fix and that he’ll have medical bills to worry about in the future.
When he tries to help out, let him. While it’s difficult for moms to let go of some processes, it’s good to let dads handle them also. It may be difficult to let go of expectations, but the more we nitpick on everything they’ve supposedly missed out, the more they’ll just hold back their help because they’re too afraid to anger us. After all, they’ve been taught at a young age, “A happy wife means a happy life.”

Dads deserve as much support as moms!

While moms have villages everywhere, it’s not easy to find a village that’s supportive of dads. There are a few, but they still remain unknown. Even clinicians have admitted that their approach to men’s mental health is still lacking. Men and dads, for a long time, have been seen as pillars of the home and are rarely given space to fall apart. And because of that, the blowback can be terrifying. The raised voices, the constant drinking, the chain smoking, and in worst cases, physical abuse can all come from the build-up of a lack of support.

So, for the many dads out there who are struggling, know that we see you. We’re here for you.

Reference

Davenport, C., Lambie, J., Owen, C., & Swami, V. (2022). Fathers’ experiences of depression during the perinatal period: a qualitative systematic review. JBI evidence synthesis, 20(9), 2244-2302.

Davenport, C. J., & Swami, V. (2022). Getting help as a depressed dad: A lived experience narrative of paternal postnatal depression, with considerations for healthcare practice. Journal of psychiatric and mental health nursing, 30(1), 1-7.

Frye, C. (2022). Stifled by Masculinity: A Quantitative Look at Why Men Don’t Go to Therapy. UWL Journal of Undergraduate Research, 25, 1-14.

Galea, M. (2023). Drugs ‘n dads: Exploring the lived experiences of fathers with a substance use disorder (Master’s thesis, University of Malta).

Kothari, A., Bruxner, G., Dulhunty, J. M., Ballard, E., & Callaway, L. (2022). Dads in Distress: symptoms of depression and traumatic stress in fathers following poor fetal, neonatal, and maternal outcomes. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 22(1), 956.

Pedersen, S. C., Maindal, H. T., & Ryom, K. (2021). “I wanted to be there as a father, but I couldn’t”: A qualitative study of fathers’ experiences of postpartum depression and their help-seeking behavior. American journal of men’s health, 15(3), 15579883211024375.