Real Talk

10 Bits Of Dating Advice To Give Your Younger Self

by Kevyn Gohu
February 9, 2023

Now that we’re married, there’s so much dating advice we wished we gave to our younger selves.

Dating or courting sounds fun. Free food, flowers, and gifts out of nowhere — but these are all just part of the courting stage. Eventually, we notice those acts become less frequent when we stick to dating one partner. It’s also during this time that the little things we once found cute will become irritating to us. There are a lot of things we wished our younger selves knew. So, here are some bits of dating advice we wished others told us.

A couple dating — Photo by cottonbro studio

1. Don’t be surprised if you do something “illogical.”

Every person knows what is logical and illogical to them. But dating someone will challenge those boundaries and definitions. Some people may find themselves cooking for a person even if they’ve only boiled water for instant noodles or trying to glam up more often when they never cared about beauty or fashion.

It doesn’t help that Science has proven that the brainwaves of a person in love and a person who is suffering from a mental illness look exactly the same.

2. It is not your job to be their “therapist.”

Dating a person does not mean you can unload your trauma on them, and vice versa. Although Freud will argue that some of us may project what our parents failed at to our partners, it doesn’t make doing so right. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists drive themselves insane by studying to make sure they can help process problems. Your date does not have that kind of training and neither is that their responsibility.

3. Don’t force the image of an “ideal partner” on your date.

While it’s okay to express discomfort at something your partner does, imposing is not. That’s trying to control a person to fit your standard or requirements. Humans are not like business deals where you need to maximize profit and minimize the cost; they have their own way of doing things. Imposing what you want on them is like trying to convince a wall that it’s a door when everybody knows it’s a wall.

Especially if it’s about dress code, no sneaky “bites” just so they’ll dress the way you want.

4. Have standards but know that most people don’t come out as “finished” products.

While it’s good to have dating standards, it’s crazy to expect that all that can happen in one night. While some women would love a rich man who would spoil them rotten with diamonds and designer bags, flash all five of his active credit cards on the first date, run a giant company, and still have time to be sweet, that’s not something instant. Even the six-pack abs that we wish men would naturally have takes months to get! Real men do not have the bodies we see on the covers of erotica novels or fan fiction we used to binge-read in high school.

The same dating advice goes for men. Women will not always look like soda bottles and be as thicc as you wish on command. Most women will always prefer a cheeseburger over a cucumber and sneakers over 7-inch heeled black leather dominatrix boots. Also, women cannot magically whip up a 5-star home-cooked meal and build a company at the same time in a week.

5. When breaking up, vengeance is never the answer.

There is no perfect dating advice that can make dealing with breakups easy. Breakups are not always because someone cheated on someone. Sometimes, it can be simply because of personality incompatibility. But resentment will build and we will be quick to blame the other person or ourselves. We think we can hold it in but, it will leak. Telling someone that they’re “just practice” for you before the real thing as a “last laugh” is the LAST thing you should tell someone when breaking up.

6. Dense is cute but, read the room!

Some partners find it cute when their date is clueless and dense but, it’s not cute when they’re clearly asking to hold your hand and you think they’re asking you for money. Although some people tend to “play flirt”, there are body mannerisms that make it more obvious that they’re serious about their intentions to date you.

7. Don’t rush. Things will happen in time.

Unfortunately, women are the most guilty of this because of the many years of being told that their ability to have kids is “on the clock.” But with medical technology progressing to freeze eggs, it gives a little more room for them to learn more about their partners before settling down with them.

“Don’t settle for someone just because you want to be in a relationship already. You deserve to be with someone you genuinely like and genuinely likes you back,” advises Andrea, a guidance counselor who deals with parents and children on a daily basis.

8. Focus on how you feel about the connection instead of wondering if you’re dateable.

“In the end, you want someone who loves you for you—and if you feel uncomfortable being that during a date, that’s probably your body telling you there’s already an incompatibility at the onset,” shares Modern Parenting contributing writer Pamela.

Sometimes, our minds will know if we can work well with the person or not. Or, if they’re open to dating. It’s not your fault if the person you like is not looking for it. They probably have another list of priorities.

9. Being profoundly sad and “complicated” isn’t as attractive as the early 2000s drama series made them out to be.

We all swooned over our favorite brooding, moody, and dark characters from TV series back then but, being jaded isn’t actually attractive. It gets annoying at some point because it shows how indifferent we are and skeptical of everything. “Strive for a healthier and happier outlook on life while working on yourself, trust that process, and give yourself time to just be,” Ricardo, a leatherworker artisan, shares.

10. Be “involved” in the relationship.

“Don’t just go with the flow. Be intentional in your decisions and actions. You’ll be more satisfied,” shares Dom, a teacher and researcher.

While dating is all about learning to compromise and negotiate, there are a lot of times we just don’t want to. We give in because we’re too “tired.” But that kind of thinking builds resentment because it becomes more one-sided with you constantly giving and the other taking. A relationship means being involved with that person and that means deciding on things in the relationship, too.

A couple hugging — Photo by Annushka Ahuja

Main dating advice: be more active in giving the love you want and need.

There are two main reasons people date another person: one is, they genuinely are interested in the person. The second one, unfortunately, is that they are elated by the idea of “being in love” which is no surprise, considering how many rom-coms and K-Dramas portray them on screen. Dating in the real world takes a lot of empathy, self-discovery, and a lot of hard work.