Real Talk

Why Every Parent Has a Favorite Child

by Kevyn Gohu
June 6, 2023

Whether parents like it or not, they will have a “favorite” child.

Although parents claim to love all their children equally, the children know otherwise that there is a “favorite” among them. The favorite child seems to get away with everything; they receive anything they ask for whereas the others struggle to earn what they want. Some parents don’t realize but they subconsciously become harsher and stricter with the other children but never with their favorite.

Yet, parents struggle to accept the possibility because it’s unheard of and shameful for a parent to have a favorite among their children.

How can parents tell if they have a favorite child?

When parents interact with their preferred child, they become more relaxed and calm. Sometimes, they even let their favorite child “get away” with a lot of things whereas the other children suffer the consequences. Some may even notice that the choice of words will change. Parents will always highly praise their favorite child but will focus on the flaws of the other children when sharing with other parents.

How do parents choose?

Through a process called “identification,” the parent will look at which child resembles them most back in their childhood or which child has their most desired qualities. There’s that ease especially when the child is similar to them in nature, allowing parents to more accurately predict what their child needs because they themselves have gone through it.

The interdisciplinary approach to the Favorite Child Phenomenon

Psychology and even astrology have come up with a variety of explanations as to why some parents have a favorite child. Astrology often explains through “compatibility” — some zodiac signs get along better than others. Feng Shui often explains this through the bonds of the 12 Chinese Zodiac where Western astrology bases it on the sun and moon sign.

For example, a mother born in the Year of the Rabbit will have difficulty parenting a Rooster child. While a Rabbit-born prefers following the status quo and a more subdued approach, Rooster-born are highly charismatic but aggressive which makes them clash. In Western astrology, if a mother is born with Leo as her sun sign, her child who is born with Leo as a moon sign will clash. Leos are known to be passionate but their position as a sun or moon sign will affect how it shows, making it a source of conflict.

The usual trend: the youngest child is the favorite

Studies have shown that parents favor the youngest child because they are now more “confident” and “experienced” with their parenting skills. Unlike the eldest who was the experimental child and the middle was their transitioning phase, the youngest child inherits the best of their parenting skills because of all the learning they’ve gone through with their other children.

Among the children: “The Heir, Spare, and Bargaining Chips”

Children are not blind to their parents’ favoritism, especially if they come from affluent families. Chinese families tend to favor the males because they “carry the family name.” “It’s part of their identity,” confides the eldest child who chose to remain anonymous when asked about their siblings. “Alam naman ni shoti na sya yung heir.”

It seems that, at an early age, favoritism becomes more apparent based on the culture that the parents pass on from their own parents. The most well-known example was the British family and the release of Prince Harry’s book, Spare.

Every child is different therefore, parents need to show there are no favorites.

It’s easy for parents to say that they don’t have a favorite but; convincing children through parenting methods is another story. A parent’s urge to compare the black sheep with the favorite is a common reaction but one that needs more mindfulness to control. Comparing your children to one another doesn’t make a better family. It instead breeds resentment because children deserve to be loved for who they are all the same.