Struggling To Be A “Gentle” Parent? It Takes Time
While every parent wants to be a gentle parent, it’s not easy to believe in it especially when it doesn’t look like it’s working with the family.
The gentle parent is often characterized as a parent who rarely shouts or restrains their rage while holding their boundaries. Unfortunately, that usually works when the other party — usually the kids or the partner — has willing ears. There are days that they can be stubborn or “deaf” to our pleas which, unfortunately, leads to yelling which many studies have preached over and over that it doesn’t work.
The thing is — what’s a parent to do when it goes in one ear and out the other? Or as the Filipinos call it, “pasok, labas.”
Why Is It Hard To Be A Gentle Parent?
We can read every IG post or parenting article (like this one) and agree that Gentle Parenting (or what psychologists call Authoritative Parenting) is the way to go. But it’s like what they say, “easier said than done.” After all, learning something doesn’t always mean adding new knowledge. It can also mean unlearning which, when done at the same time, leaves us confused, frustrated, and conflicted. Plus, with Time already going against us and no button to redo or reset, there’s little patience to be found.
But there are different reasons or premises as to why Gentle Parenting is hard to stick to.
Making Sense of Gentle Parenting
Like anything in the world, Gentle Parenting is an experience. It’s normal for any of us to try and “make sense” of each parenting win and loss. So, we try to arrange them in order so we can better understand how things happened. Or, we try to dive deeper and further understand what is going on.
When this happens to us, we experience the beauty of the human brain. Our minds can sort and process experiences in two different ways: either in order or in depth. Sometimes, we even do both at the same time! While we’re not usually aware unless someone points it out, we already have evidence of how we process information: how we listen, remember, and share parenting stories. Do we remember the details? Or, do we just remember the start and the end of the story?
Fighting Conditioning
Ever have those moments when we just “know” what to do? That’s called “conditioning” — a term from the Behaviorist school of thought. This is something that happens over the years and when proven over and over again, it becomes a “truth.” From then on, we don’t fight it. We just accept it.
So, if we grew up in a household wherein age and loudness of voice were equal to authority, it shows when we deal with people. It doesn’t have to be just parents; teachers, government officials, religious leaders, and the like. We rely on Time to measure how “smart” or “knowledgeable” one is. So, when we meet someone who goes against that setting, we become scared and see them as a threat.
Unfortunately, every parent deals with this and it has a name: “confirmation bias” — a term refined by psychologist Peter Wason, it’s when people develop a preference for information, accepting only those that fit the way they think. So, swapping to Gentle Parenting especially when we grew up in a more, for lack of a better term, aggressive household can feel difficult.
“No sense pushing a bad position”
Unlike the first two, this usually happens in instances wherein we feel that either the kids or the partner don’t listen. At some point, we can even see it on their faces. The blank stares, the single-syllable responses, and the limp limbs — for some of us, those are obvious signs that they’re not listening. So what do we do?
We add force. We raise our voices because obviously, speaking calmly isn’t helping. Especially if we’ve constantly scolded them for the same mistake then, raising our voices kind of becomes an acceptable choice.
Struggle is a Story, Not a Single Instance
When we talk about the struggle with Gentle Parenting, it’s not because of one situation but a whole storyline. While past traumas play a role, so do the current circumstances. We make parenting decisions based on the information we process and notice. Emotions, which make or break our ability to notice details, can leave us with more questions than answers. It’s why sometimes, we’d rather not process emotions. There are too many things happening, leaving us with a complex and abstract mess!
It’s why some parents may feel that emotions are nonsensical. Not only is it subjective, but we also don’t have anything concrete (unless it’s an obvious physical wound, a broken toy, a failing grade, etc.) to base it on. Not everyone is gifted with abstract reasoning, let alone the patience to develop it.
It’s Normal To Struggle In Being A Gentle Parent
The biggest issue perhaps of today’s modern parents is that some old parenting strategies get things done faster. With everything moving so quickly (no thanks to technology!), we’re always looking for parenting tricks that are quick, instant, and permanent. After all, nobody likes fixing the same problem over and over again. It kind of makes us feel silly; obviously, it ain’t working so, try something else! It’s a logical choice, really.
So, if ever, you find yourself struggling with maintaining the Gentle Parenting approach, you’re not alone. What matters is that we keep our minds open to learning better ways to parent so that moving forward, we become the parents our kids need.
More comfort reads for parents?
Dear Parents, Please Allow Yourselves To Grieve
Break The Cycle: The Hard Part No One Talks About
Reparenting: The First Step to Becoming the Parent Our Children Need