The New Meaning Of “Falling Out Of Love”

The meaning of falling out of love nowadays also includes the scope of work and there are days when we “fall out of love” with our families.

We recognize the duality of emotions. But as we grow into adults and eventually parents, emotions become more complex. There are days we are both happy and sad, especially when we “let go” of our kids. The bittersweet reality of emotions is that humans don’t experience them as one or the other but as a spectrum. The long range of emotions then creates new feelings and meanings, especially when we find ourselves “falling out of love.”

What does it mean to “fall out of love”?

We used to think that the meaning of “falling out of love” worked only in the romantic sense. Fights become more frequent; gaslighting, screaming, gossiping, crying, cold wars, and the occasional trauma dumping — these are the most common and explicit signs people look for. By then, some already conclude that they hate the person.

But hate is a passionate emotion with a malicious element. It blinds us to a person’s dignity as a human being, as described by philosopher Jeremy Waldron; we then go out of our way to make their lives miserable. Although it’s difficult to identify when the adage “misery loves company” is often proven true, it becomes clearer when we start to lose our steam from the hate. The exhaustion sets in especially when the target of our fury finally bites back; we then forget why we were angry to begin with. We realize that we never hated that person to begin with. Instead, we grew wiser and smarter, discovering the “dark side” and realizing that we could not unconditionally love that part of them.

Thus, the new meaning of falling out of love. It is not an impulsive moment filled with malice whose sole goal is to destroy the person. It can also be in the form of an aha moment; the one moment where the expression “eureka!” unfortunately brings gloomy tidings.

How it appears in parents

These dark epiphanies don’t always need something drastic to happen. They settle in slowly, akin to a thorn slowly digging its way into our sides. Similar to a leaky pipe constantly dripping against the rusting metal in our old homes, these realizations grow the more we become objective to our partner’s quirks and possibly, even our kids.

But that doesn’t mean we didn’t love them to begin with. There were days we laughed at our partner’s quirks of dipping french fries in ice cream, making the most out of a buffet, going through a foodgasm after tasting something delicious, or even freaking out over having nothing to wear. And for our kids, we loved all the drawings they made for us. But the reality sets in; our kids are growing up and the fear of them not being successful can be overwhelming. For those who grew up with parents who have illogically high standards, some of us even see their lack of achievement as a reflection of our abilities as parents.

We then push them hard. The drawings we once cherished and proudly posted on the fridge end up being torn to pieces with our very own hands. We fill our words, ones that were born from a place of fear, with venom and our criticisms become more harsh than we intended. But then, we insist that everything we demand is “common sense.”

But is it really or did we not notice the change that passed us by?

It can happen in our careers, too!

Today, many of us working parents try to find that sweet spot in balancing passion and money. But that struggle exists because of the clashing philosophies and policies on how to obtain success. We feel that people become deaf and blind to our struggles, further alienating us from our passion and others. Our career or passion, one that we spent years mastering, soon becomes a figurative toxin that eventually we abandon because of the dark place it led us to.

But for some working parents, we eventually will come to the realization. We didn’t hate our passion; in fact, we love it still. What we fell out of love with, rather, is the dream that a particular place that offered us the opportunity to further enhance our craft and passion would finally be the one place where we could truly find our “happily ever after.”

It’s cheesy, yes. But none of us can deny that we’re still looking for that career that will fund our pursuit of happiness.

But discovering that we “fell out of love” can also teach us how to love better

When careers or marriages fall apart, it’s an excruciating and disappointing process of trying to filter out the intense emotions born from the mess. But once we do, we discover that the parties who hurt us both intentionally and unintentionally are perhaps not our final destination. They are but a stepping stone; our happily ever after is still out there. And sometimes, it’s a lot closer than we think.

It’s like how a separated couple learns to co-parent. Their happily ever after may not even have an intact marriage in the end. Sometimes, their happily ever after is just spending all the memories and time they can with their children. And while the day wherein they’ll have to explain everything to their kids is inevitable, that doesn’t mean to say they can’t love their kids and figure things out when they get to that bridge.

“Falling out of love” still retains the element of respect that hate does not have

Discovering that we fell out of love has no set template for how it will play out. There are some who accept the reality by letting out a soundless cry, and screaming airily while rolling on the bathroom floor. Others will just wake up one day as if a grand piano dropped on their head, pointing out the feelings they had long ignored. But for those who need to hear, there is no shame in admitting that one has “fallen out of love.” Be it with their career, their families, or whatever — do not feel guilty for asking for a bit of reprieve to do a little soul-searching. Because when we do return from our journey, there will be those who will celebrate the wisdom and serenity we’ve discovered along the way with us.

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