Trauma Bonding: When Our Trauma Becomes The Core of Our Parenting
Trauma Bonding – a phenomenon wherein some of our parenting strategies come from our worst experiences which in turn played a big role in shaping our identity.
While most of our parenting strategies stem from the good memories we’ve had with our parents, the opposite is also true: much of our reactions and parenting strategies (especially in the context of discipline) can come from our worst experiences or trauma from our parents. After dealing with the trauma multiple times, we eventually make that painful experience a part of our identity. That entire sequence is what we call Trauma Bonding – it’s when we become so attached to the cycle of abuse even if we know it’s wrong.
Why attach ourselves to the cycle of abuse? That’s crazy!
Accepting and tolerating abusive behavior sounds crazy only to those who haven’t been in such a relationship. For those who have been in emotionally abusive relationships (especially with their parents), they see this as normal and any form of healthy responses and behaviors makes them anxious. It’s unfamiliar territory; a person actually commending them for their behavior? A parent telling them they’re beautiful for once? The warm and fuzzy feelings from the compliments be terrifying for a parent who grew up in a judgmental household, leading them to deflect the compliment.
So what do we do when we’re in uncharted territory? We try to control it; this is how some parents, despite vowing never to become abusive or to “repeat the mistakes of their parents,” do end up becoming abusive. The fear of the unknown makes them seek something familiar.
Trauma Bonding: Different Executions, One Core Motivation
While we usually apply Trauma Bonding in the romantic relationship context, it’s quite applicable in the family sense.
First, we have to understand how an abusive relationship works. Abusive or trauma-based relationships are based on one concept: survival. Abusers need to feel in control daily to survive while the abused force themselves to “accept” the abuse so that the gravity and severity don’t worsen. Two completely different executions but the same motivation, the two eventually “bond” because they feel that they need each other to survive.
But how does this work in a family? Biologically, children rely on their parents for survival. But what happens when we – the parents – don’t have tools for survival? We’re not just talking about the typical life skills of balancing accounting books, cooking, choosing fresh produce, or knowing how to assemble a portable broom. Coping with failure, communicating our needs, prioritizing things – these are the little things that, once they start piling up, can cause a lot of frustration and resentment in a parent.
Frustration and resentment are emotions and those are forms of energy. Like all forms of energy, it follows the same Law of Conservation: “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred.” Thus whether we like it or not, our kids become either the targets or collateral damage because we hear our minds telling us, “If you don’t get this energy out of you, you will die.”
Maybe not die in the literal sense but the emotional wounds do fester.
Why can’t we let it go?
We all want to heal but why can’t we let it go?
The proverbial and emotional shackle lies in the closure. A part of us seeks and demands a specific kind of closure; we dream about it, roleplay about it in our safe spaces, ponder about it for hours but, we rarely take steps to make it happen. Sometimes, it’s because we demand vengeance — a very violent kind that we know, socially, is unacceptable. Other times, it’s because a part of us is still that scared little kid, especially when the perpetrator is our parent. Even if they’re aging and way beyond their 60s, a part of us still fears them.
The psychological shackle, chain, and ball are the result of our many failed attempts and unfulfilled hopes and dreams. At some point, it becomes instinctive. We forget it’s there but it shows when we can’t explain why we’re paralyzed every time we hear someone scold, threaten, or even attack a child. At some point, we even freeze at the sight of our own parents (our kids’ grandparents) delivering the punishment on our own kids.
A traumatized parent, no matter how much they declare they love their children, may find themselves, frozen and sometimes, even siding with their child’s attacker. But a healed parent — or at least one who’s made peace with themselves — may summon strength and love like no other to tell their child’s attacker to back off. Even if the attacker is the very source of their fears and nightmares.
Breaking our bond with the trauma is not a linear story
Another reason why it’s hard to let go is because we get discouraged from our relapses. We were taught that healing is a one-way street but, that only works if we’re talking about physical wounds. Even then, sometimes, we do end up getting the same wound again. So, we just patch it up. It sounds simple with a physical wound but emotional ones take time: it’s an internal debate with the senses. We have to figure out what’s real and what’s not which is why, it takes longer and sometimes, it’s more complex.
Some of us who have found healing and made peace with our trauma may eventually realize that while we were bonded to our trauma, our parenting was reactive. Any surge of emotion felt like a threat; we wanted to squash it before it escalated because we knew what happened next: either we get struck, shouted at, or only God knows what.
We also learned that there are good days and not-so-good ones. These are the ones where we slip back into the old responses because it’s just overwhelming to process. But that doesn’t mean we’re bad parents; we just made choices based on the information we had. So when we do repair and get back on track on breaking our trauma bond, we do so with a bit of sincerity and forgiveness. Not just asking the people we’ve hurt but, ourselves too.
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