Real Talk

Wary or Nary: Navigating Estranged Family Ties

by Kevyn Gohu
June 24, 2024

How can we navigate family matters and ties when the damage from the drama runs deep and estranges the relatives involved?

Although family will always have its drama, some moments are just so bad that those affected will just become estranged. Whether it’s by choice or forced (many will prefer to admit on the record that they were forced), becoming estranged or estranging a family member isn’t something Filipino family members like talking about.

After all, doing so will subject the issue to the judgment of the court of public opinion wherein, some will have to face the reality that they made a mistake.

Preference to not “rock the boat”

We all have that one relative — an uncle, a cousin, a grandparent, and sometimes another parent — whose presence or even the idea of interacting with them makes us uneasy. However, in the name of avoiding the drama that we usually see in Filipino telenovelas, we mastered the art of wearing the symbolic horseshoe in the mouth — the art of “feigning happiness” while simultaneously holding our tongue.

Others may recognize it also as the ability to “silently scream” (Noceda, 2016).

There’s a negative connotation in actively expressing one’s discomfort, especially in the context of one’s family. Because family is a community where unconditional love exists, we create this patient and forgiving persona when dealing with them, often rationalizing or internalizing our frustration with these family members instead.

Lay people often call these social skills but sometimes, the term’s an understatement — navigating estranged family relationships can not only be distressing but exhausting. Hence, many would prefer to describe these tricks as social aikido which is based on the actual martial art.

While hiding our discomfort, we dig through our minds to find topics they may like to talk about in the event we end up approaching them. We also try to mingle with others besides that person to reject any possible situation wherein we’re alone with that person. That’s how most rookies in Social Aikido do it.

More experienced family members can earn a standing ovation from Batman’s Atty. Harvey Dent (also known as the villain Two-Face). The ability to smile, curate responses, and remain calm despite being in the presence of someone who’s sounding off the warning bells in one’s head in the name of preserving the peace — that’s a skill most Filipinos have learned both the easy way and the hard way whether in business or family.

Honestly, if Social Aikido were acknowledged as a martial exclusive of its physical components, too many of us would have probably earned a black belt by now!

Hiding from confrontation

At some point, the frustration with these people will run its roots so deep that there’s a part of us that will genuinely want to put them at the spot.

However, the idea of confronting that relative about the discomfort they cause us floods us with anxiety. But the fear doesn’t come from the idea that our beliefs are wrong. It’s more of, knowing that our decision to call out that family member will discomfort others. At an early age, we are taught to condemn confrontation, with respect to the virtue of hiya.

Perhaps, some of us are more familiar with its Western counterpart, often phrased as the maxim, “There’s a time and place for everything. But not now.”

Thus, some of us have learned to use a more wordless and implicit approach — body language. We stay away, keep answers clipped and short, a quick laugh or two, and then make an excuse to walk away.

Thus, the estrangement from that family member begins.

Estrangement: a manifestation of agency

But estrangement from family isn’t usually seen as an affliction on another relative. Rather, it’s self-inflicted — we distance ourselves from that relative to protect ourselves or the peace we’ve obtained without them from the picture.

While the elder generation may feel that the decision to distance ourselves is one made from us being hypersensitive, it’s not. Some will even blame our parents (if it’s family drama!) for carrying the malice over to the next generation.

However, the truth is: it’s a carefully thought-out choice. We examine the timeline and compare what life was like with them and without them. And the decision to estrange oneself doesn’t just hurt the people involved but the doer too. Many forget that estrangement is one of the social weapons of last resort (the worst one being ostracization) — nobody likes distancing themselves from their family!

Thus why, the choice to estrange shouldn’t be judged on the most recent moment or when the decision was allegedly made. Instead, we can try seeing it as a timeline or a story of how they came to the decision. Perhaps, the easier and more layman term to understand it is character development. Life’s a story and everyone’s a dynamic character — we all will or can choose to change.

Unraveling the story behind filial estrangement

When we suddenly hear that someone doesn’t want to connect with us, there’s that fear: what did we do wrong? We immediately turn the narrative against ourselves but the motive to do so is a mix of a lot of things. Some of it is because we want to vindicate ourselves. While a part of us genuinely wants to fix things, another part of us fears how the other person’s narrative will estrange us from our families without giving us a chance to defend ourselves. That is, assuming the person chooses to broadcast the story.

But in most cases, the story remains buried and untold.

There’s nothing to gain from broadcasting the issue — at least that’s what many younger Filipinos learned from the elders. “Just deal with” is the usual command but we rarely have any instruction on how or where to start navigating those emotions. This is a reflection of an old teaching mentality: sink or swim. So instead of learning to communicate these big emotions, we end up fleeing from them instead or any situation that triggers them.

The decision to reconnect or disconnect is our own

Our decision to estrange or disconnect will ruffle a few feathers. Others will even condemn it as an act to tear the family apart.

But what people forget is that in a family or any community, there’s an unspoken demand to conform to a worldview. And if that worldview hurts the people we love (especially our kids and our spouses!) or turns us into someone who will hurt them then, we’d rather not have any part in it.

Clash of beliefs are normal but it’s when we insist and impose that makes it dramatic and toxic. So in order to further escalate, we estrange to minimize the hurt. We distance ourselves and it’s our choice whether or not to reconnect and accept the olive branch when those family members try.

And for those who do try to reconnect, remember that while it’s ideal that the person says “yes” and reconnects, know that it’s also possible for them to say no with no malice intended. We’re all used to actively trying to assuage the hurt but sometimes, respecting the estranged family relative’s peace and time is the best thing we can do for them.

After all, sometimes, it’s not their peace they’re protecting. It can be someone they love too.

But whether their estrangement from family is an act of escape or truly an act of protecting their loved ones, that’s up for them to realize and decide. Nobody else.