Dear Daughter: Before Dating, Embrace Yourself

When daughters reach a certain age and are frustrated with the dating pool, here are some words of wisdom from moms who have found love in that same pool.

A daughter’s idea of how a marriage works is based on how she sees her mom and dad’s relationship. She sees how they talk, how they love, and most of all — how they fight. Those critical events are what shape her idea of how a relationship should be and what kind of partner she should look for. But it’s hard to explain those kinds of things to daughters when love, dating, and romance are best explained by a letter.

To my dearest daughter,

In this family, you are loved. You are our family’s dear heart and the one to who I pass my “crown” as the lady of the house without any regrets. But from a princess, you’re growing into a queen. You will meet many people from different walks of life. And when you do, you will inevitably meet someone who you forge a strong connection with. Sometimes, you may mistake it for love.

But not all connections are “love.”

As they say, a good connection is often tempered and balanced. Some connections will be thrilling; it’s like soaring in the sky without ever fearing the possibility of falling. Then, there are some connections that provide such a warm sense of peace that it’d feel criminal to leave them. But that’s only at the beginning of the relationship. The true test of a connection is when people start making mistakes.

As growing humans, we will always make mistakes.

When we make mistakes, we then learn something new: how we learn to fight. The way a person fights tells a lot about how they grew up. Do they shout? Resort to name-calling? Throw things against the wall? Say cruel things? These behaviors are not programmed into their genes; they learn these from the people who raised them. It’s here you see what kind of “poverty” they experienced.

Poverty is not always about money.

We always think that poverty is about not having wealth and while money can cause some problems, they also aggravate existing ones. Some can be poor in spirit — they are cowardly because they have not found a way to fight for themselves. Others can be poor in heart — they emotionally starve others because they only fulfill their own needs.

But that is why you need to embrace yourself.

We’re not talking about the “self-care” trend but, accepting yourself for who you are — flaws and all. There will be days when every daughter in a dating relationship will ask herself if she deserves it. But your partner cannot give that. They can support you on your journey as you find your self-worth. Boundaries will be challenged but then you’ll realize, some of those are not even worth keeping.

But even if you never find someone who will support you on that journey to establishing your self-worth, know that your dad and I will always embrace you all for who you are.

Love, Mom

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