Giselle Tongi Walters: Beyond Boy or Girl

Actress, host and model, Giselle Tongi, talks about raising a non-binary child in America as a Filipina mom.

This story about Giselle Tongi appeared in the Modern Parenting Mother’s Day and Father’s Day May 2024 issue.

As a Filipino immigrant living in America, the concept of paglalayag, or setting sail, has always held a bittersweet meaning. It evokes both the thrill of new beginnings and the pang of leaving loved ones behind. 

Yet this bittersweetness takes on a new dimension as I prepare to send my eldest child, Alecks, off to college this fall. Unlike most parents, my anxieties aren’t just about the usual worries of college life, financial aid, what majors to take and what dorms to apply for. 

Alecks is non-binary and goes by the pronouns they/them — and navigating the American educational system as a non-binary Filipino-American teenager presents a unique set of challenges.

Breaking free

Raising my children here in America without the traditional Filipino luxury of having a yaya has exposed me to a broader perspective about the diverse world we are currently living in. Raising a child who didn’t fit neatly into those categories has forced me to confront my own cultural biases and grapple with a new reality.

The first hints of Alecks’s non-binary identity happened when they were in middle school. They were always part of the school’s theater productions, and because there was a lack of boys participating, my child would often play the male roles. First, it was Jack from Into the Woods, then Bert from Mary Poppins.

Alecks entered high school as the pandemic hit. They started borrowing their dad’s clothes instead of mine, as they normally would. They started expressing a dislike for gendered pronouns and preferred they/them. Also,they cut their hair short, gravitated towards a more neutral wardrobe, and their artistic expressions often explored themes of fluidity and self-discovery. 

Thankfully, Alecks had a therapist during the pandemic that helped them navigate their preference for identifying as non-binary, who also helped our family process the changes Alecks felt more comfortable with.

There was a big period of confusion for all of us. The roughest patch was when I called Alecks by their birth name one day — they corrected me, saying they preferred that I didn’t use their “dead name.” That hurt a lot. As a mother, I felt that one of the only things I could truly give them was their name. I struggled to understand their identity and desire to change their name to a more gender-neutral one, desperately searching for answers within my cultural background that simply weren’t there. 

Breaking cultural norms

Although known for its warmth and acceptance, Filipino society often struggles with concepts beyond the traditional gender binary. The grammar stickler in me often finds it hard to wrap my head around the plurality of their preferred pronouns. It becomes worse when I try to explain this to other parents. I am met with a lot of lack of compassion and understanding, which makes for extremely difficult conversations.

Alecks came out to me formally at 14. It was a nerve-wracking conversation, filled with tears and questions on both sides. But seeing the relief in their eyes after finally being heard was like a balm to my soul. I vowed to be their biggest supporter and champion — their kakampi.

Understanding Alecks’ identity went beyond pronouns or clothing choices. It was about creating a safe space for their authentic self to flourish. Being a theater-loving family, our understanding has widened, as we continue being exposed to art and artists who are also non-binary. 

Being a parent of a non-binary kid means having uncomfortable talks about boundaries, navigating microaggressions, and the importance of self-advocacy. I delved deep, exploring Filipino history for glimpses of queer experiences. I found solace in pre-colonial concepts of gender fluidity like the babaylan, a spiritual leader who could embody both masculine and feminine energies.

The future awaits

Now, as Alecks prepares for college, new anxieties emerge. Will they find a supportive community on campus? How will they navigate gendered dorm options or insensitive professors? These are questions most Filipino parents sending their children to college wouldn’t have to consider.

Yet, amid these concerns, I feel a tremendous sense of pride. Alecks is brave, highly intelligent, unbelievably talented and fiercely independent. They have embraced their identity with confidence, becoming an advocate for other non-binaryIt took a toll on them in so many ways youth in our community.

As Alecks sets sail on their own college adventure, I release them with a mixture of emotions. There’s the familiar pang of separation, the worry about their future. But there’s also a newfound understanding and a profound sense of hope. Their journey is a testament to the resilience of the Filipino spirit, a spirit that embraces change and celebrates diversity. 

Alecks may be sailing into uncharted waters as they head to college this fall, but they are doing so with the unwavering support of their kakampi, who also happens to be their biggest fan in the world. And that, I believe, is the greatest gift a parent can offer their child – the courage to embrace who they truly are, no matter what the world throws their way.

More about navigating gender fluidity?

What Ice and Liza Diño Seguerra Want the LGBTQIA+ Community and Parents to Know
Truths LGBTQIA+ Parents Want You To Know About
Miel Pangilinan Opens Up About Being Part of the LGBTQ+ Community

To read the full article, grab a copy of Modern Parenting Mother’s Day and Father’s Day May 2024 issue —available on sarisari.shopping. Download the e-Magazine from Readly or Press Reader for more exclusive features and stories.