Real Talk

The Biggest Fear of Today’s Parents: Traumatizing Their Children

by Kevyn Gohu
April 24, 2025

As we try to avoid passing wounds from the past to our kids, it’s worth considering as parents: Aren’t we overdoing it?

It’s normal for parents to want their kids to have a “better” life. But the definition of what’s better has been pretty loose. Older parents would define “better” based on financial stability. Eating out more frequently and at fancier restaurants, having more clothes, using the aircon for longer periods of time (especially in this insufferable heat!), and many other material things are what the older generation of parents would use as a measurement for a better life. However, today’s parents measure “better” based on something more intangible: the amount of trauma they may have inflicted on their kids. The lower, the better.

But that measurement is probably why we, today’s parents, are so overwhelmed.

As we try to avoid passing wounds from the past to our kids, it's worth considering as parents: Aren't we overdoing it?

First, we have to define: what is trauma?

Trauma is a Greek word that translates to “wound” in English. In the old days, it mostly covered physical wounds, both small and life-threatening ones. It’s why every hospital has a “trauma center” or the “emergency department” – they have to respond because the trauma usually involves a lot of bleeding.

But psychology added a new definition. It’s, according to the American Psychological Association, “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, crime, natural disaster, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence, death of a loved one, war, and more.” It would be used to describe soldiers who suffered flashbacks from the Vietnam War, renaming the old condition from Shell Shock to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Appropriating the definition of trauma to modern-day times

So, can trauma still happen even when it’s no longer wartime? While it’s no longer widespread, trauma still happens in some homes. Especially in homes that are in high-risk areas (e.g. poverty-stricken areas or areas in the middle of two warring villages), hearing gunshots, screams, and explosions, inhaling the acidic smell of gunpowder, and the rotting smell of corpses are just some of the examples that are considered trauma because of how unnatural it is. Trauma now has a “deviant” criterion to it; it’s emotionally disturbing precisely because it’s not normal.

The more common ones include physiological and psychological abuse. Physiological ones include the typical physical injury, like the typical spanking and striking with the notorious belt, hanger, slipper, or broom, and starvation. Psychological traumas can include unwarranted verbal belittling (meaning there’s no reason to say it), withholding love, public shaming (e.g., both in crowds or in smaller intimate groups), gaslighting, and dismissing and ignoring their concerns.

The Ever-Annoying Parenting Debate Over The Definition of Psychological Trauma

Perhaps, this will be a perpetual parenting problem: what’s considered psychological trauma, vis-à-vis discipline? With so many studies, it’s overwhelming: we don’t know which definition to follow! However, we might have a checklist of questions that can help things out, post-event-wise:

Did we think before doing the act? Trauma is often described to be a highly reactionary and impulsive response. It usually happens when the distressing situation is similar to one that happened in the past – one that was so impactful it permanently changed how we think for the worse!
Does how we responded fix the problem? Because it’s highly reactionary, trauma-based reactions don’t achieve anything. So, if the problem persists, then the way we may have responded might have been unnecessary. Here are some examples that can make things easier:
- Spanking our kids over a spilled glass of milk: The hand we used to spank can be better used to find a rag, soap, and water to wipe up the milk before it seeps into the table, rots the material, and attracts ants.
- Shouting at our kids for a low grade: Did the test paper or report card magically change grade after yelling? Do our kids know what their mistakes are? If not, then it achieved nothing.
Would their mistake kill them? As adults, we’re more familiar with how certain actions can trigger certain events. So, we can properly assess if the mistake will actually, physiologically, end their lives. If not then we’ll have to apologize.

While it may be easier to say that “I never meant to hurt them,” the point still stands: if the problem isn’t solved, then you just wounded them for the wrong reasons. That’s what trauma is.

How We Came Up With The Checklist

The checklist follows the classic cognitive psychology concept of short-term and long-term memory. Every person has them; these are like stations in the brain that process the information we collect from our senses.

Short-term memory processes information within 15-30 seconds. But it won’t sort out whether the info is right or wrong. What it will determine is if the sensation or information it receives is a threat. It’s why when we start shouting and belittling our kids, some of them get fiestier and others freeze. Their minds are already thinking, “This person is about to kill me.” It will then trigger a survival instinct: vigilance to loud noise. This is something we’ve had programmed deep into our DNA, as it is the same response that tells us to run away from the gunfight, not towards it. Or, to run away when a wild animal is about to turn us into its next meal.

Long-term memory starts working once the short-term memory sorts it out. Known as the human’s permanent storage for memories and information, everything we perceive ends up there and can be recalled when needed. It’s why we can recall weird trivia, funny events, and the like. So long as the event is similar to a past event, we can easily recall it. We already have what psychologist George Kelly theorizes is a “Personal Construct” – a unique mental framework that allows us to easily adapt to situations so long as we’ve experienced something similar before.

So, are we overprotecting them?

Some people would argue that modern parents are. Companies would complain about today’s younger workforce for being “too sensitive,” claiming that they’re always “depressed” or “anxious.” It’s why older parents blame Gentle Parenting, saying that being calm in the middle of a crisis is too unrealistic.

Perhaps, there’s some merit to their argument that delaying or hiding our rage is unrealistic since not everyone is patient and knows how to emotionally regulate themselves. But the flipside to the argument is that modern parents have learned that commanding or ordering their kids what to do doesn’t work. They demonstrate.

Instead of telling kids what to do, we show them what to do. We now have to prove, but at the same time, we can’t cherry-pick what to show. We can’t let our fear of traumatizing them shield them from the consequences. They won’t be in our homes for long, and eventually, they’ll need to fend for themselves in a world that’s already decided that they don’t care about what or how they feel.