Real Talk

The Awkward Cut: The Struggle of Cutting Off From Families Nobody Talks About

by Kevyn Gohu
June 25, 2024

Cutting off family members — the decision that many condemn but forget to look into why many do so.

Cutting off toxic family members isn’t something people like doing. In fact, it’s often a last resort — there’s long, internal deliberation that can go on for hours, days, weeks, and even months. And while that debate’s happening, everything could look as right as rain. That’s why the act of cutting off family members feels so sudden for those on the outside; everything looked so normal.

But for the one who does the cutting, it’s only the start of another emotionally complicated journey.

Cutting off toxic family members: How it starts

First, we’ll notice that there’s a bit of distance or what we call the “estrangement” stage. Some of us will create that invisible wall or glass ceiling when our families start saying things that distress us. Although some have stronger personalities to call them out for their callousness, more often than not — we often force out a smile, grit our teeth, and nervously laugh.

With our “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mode activating, we eventually decide that flight is the best choice. Less stress, effort, and time wasted — we actively curate our schedules to contradict theirs. The less exposure to them the better as it means less emotional distress. And eventually, we find comfort in that peace and embed the avoidance in our habits.

We block them on our social media, curate our responses to those who are close to them, and even become more rigid when forced to deal with them. Some parents even just cut off other family members out of association.

The void and emptiness of that missing person

Because we’re so used to their presence, it’ll feel empty. We’ll be floating and sinking at the same time, trying to figure our what . Our routines will be disrupted and to a degree, we might hallucinate hearing their voices to soothe our anxiety and loss. Their disembodied voice and our flashbacks sometimes come from our fear of the unfamiliar. Now that they’re gone, what do we do now?

But don’t worry, those do vanish eventually.

The soul search begins

While making sense of the awkwardness of cutting that family member off from our lives, we begin exploring our options to find our safe place. From trying activities we wouldn’t dream of choosing to finally getting that well-deserved, high quality sleep, we try to use the time left unspent. However, there’s nothing wrong also with just being. Our followers, friends, and family on social media don’t always need to be updated.

In some cases, we might even appreciate the calm. After many moments of managing ourselves and micromanaging the person who often hurt us, its relieving to finally have a safe space — a place that we can find our own.

But what happens when kids are in the picture?

It’s easy to distance ourselves from family members when we’re not alone. However, it’s more intricate with kids unless they’ve never met them or rarely had chances to. In the highly filial Filipino culture, it’s more likely cousins grow up together. Our first cousins (if we have any) are our first best friends. We probably meet them every family reunion or Sunday dinner so it’s no surprise that a bond will grow.

So when we choose to distance ourselves from a family member especially one who our kids are close to, breaking the news isn’t easy. And while it is a chance to explain what it means to assert boundaries, some may accuse us of carrying the fight to the kids. But there are some things that are inherently unacceptable.

Gaslighting, comparing cousins to the extreme in the name of healthy competition, beatings, cheating, and the worst one: sexual assault — a family is not supposed to engage in those behaviors. Yet the narrative where the aforementioned things do happen. But in an effort to preserve the family, the victim is often shamed into silence or disconnecting from the family.

To the disconnected and the cause of the disconnection

And within many families, it’s easy to shame the disconnected. Besides not being able to advocate for themselves, they chose to “leave” the family — something far worse. We often hear the words, “Kapit nalang.” or “Kaunting tiis nalang.” from our elders, with hopes of preserving the peace. To forgive for blood runs thicker than water, we’d often hear. But that Machiavellian statement is often misconstrued; the original statement is, “The blood of the covenant runs thicker than water in the womb.”

So for those who disconnected or cut off family members to protect their loved ones and their peace, we respect your reasons. We’re with you on your journey to find your safe space — the space that’ll make you the parent your child needs.

And for those who caused them to disconnect, we hope that you learned why they did and changed for the better.

For those who dream of reconnecting the broken family and insist on it, accept that it may never happen. There are some wounds that are too painful to heal and pushing for it will convince the disconnected all the more to stay away.