Real Talk

“Be Careful With What You Say!”: How Parents’ Words Become Our Kids’ Inner Voices

Parents often forget that what they say is what turns into their kids’ inner voices which is vital for their self-esteem.

Almost every parenting book out there probably tells us that the best way to build our kids’ self-esteem is to let them do things by themselves. However, it runs deeper than that — our kids’ self-esteem can either be made or broken by the things we say! Most especially if we’re temperamental due to whatever reason, we forget, in our anger, that our words cut into them far deeper than we think. Our words — whether kind or brutal — then serve as the basis for our kids’ “inner voice.”

What is an Inner Voice?

Don’t worry, having an inner voice doesn’t mean you’re hallucinating. Everyone has it! It goes by different names like internal monologue or intrapersonal communication. Some may even call this “mindfulness” — but, this is only a small part of what the former is actually about. Besides attaining self-awareness, we also have to master our bodies’ language.

However, this isn’t something we learn overnight. We pick these things up from our parents but not through the typical “do this” or “do that” approach. It can even be the little things like “how cute you are!”, “how can you be so stupid!?”, and other things like these. We often forget that everything we say, as one dad says, is “gospel truth” to our kids.

We don’t see the effects of our words on our kids’ self-esteem until much later.

Sure, we always say, “Sticks and stones may break our bones but, words may never hurt me.” But there’s a minor caveat to that line: it assumes that we’re only speaking harshly. The moment we pair it with physical behaviors like hitting, grabbing, or even throwing things, it adds more depth to pain because now more senses are engaged. No longer just auditory and visual; there’s a tactile element that makes it more memorable.

To make matters worse, kids have a heightened sense of hearing because they haven’t been plugging their ears with earphones yet. Known as hyperacusis, it only stabilizes when they’re much older. So when we shout or yell, it sticks. (Fackrell, 2022; Jacquemin et. al, 2023; Tariq, 2023)

But words, even at low volume, can be just as bad as on their own, especially if we keep saying it. When we always respond negatively to our kids’ doing something, they’ll eventually stop doing anything. We call this “Learned Helplessness,” coined by Martin Seligman and Steve Maiers (1964). It’s when an individual realizes that they can’t stop the bad thing from happening, they’ll just stop doing anything altogether.

In the realm of digital parenting

But kids will still want to explore and experiment, so where do they go? They’ll discover that freedom on the screen. Games and apps are written in such a way that there’s a positive encouragement. “You win!”, “Victory!”, “Awesome!”, “Great!” — if our kids don’t hear that from us, they’ll find it elsewhere.

But there’s only so much a screen can provide. As they grow older, games will lose their novelty and flair especially after they master the game. Eventually, only our voice remains. So to silence it, they’ll find another game that gives them the same high.

Is there any way we can change our kids’ inner voice?

Unfortunately, there’s no instant way to change the negative words in their inner voice. Especially when a lot of our kids’ inner voices are based on the words that we’ve shouted or snapped with out of temper, they don’t go away easily. Think of it as a landmine in a warzone. Nobody forgets how loud a landmine blows, especially if they lose a limb due to it.

However, we can eventually override it by taking accountability for our words. Show our kids that some things could have been communicated better. Be open to asking questions, considering we always tell our kids not to be afraid of asking. And most of all, be consistent — because at the end of the day, our kids will remember more how we behave.

References

Fackrell, K., Sereda, M., Smith, S., Sheldrake, J., & Hoare, D. J. (2022). What should be considered when assessing hyperacusis? A qualitative analysis of problems reported by hyperacusis patients. Brain Sciences12(12), 1615.

Jacquemin, L., van der Poel, N., Biot, L., Schollaert, J., Bonné, F., Vanderveken, O. M., Lammers, M. J. W., Van Rompaey, Vincent, & Gilles, A. (2023). Prevalence of tinnitus and hyperacusis in 9–12-year-old children. European Archives of Oto-Rhino-Laryngology280(11), 4819-4825.

Tariq, F. (2023). Hyperacusis: Understanding & Managing Auditory Hypersensitivity.

More real talk?

Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma and Toxic Patterns
Trauma Dumping: What It Is and Why We Do It
Changing The Tone of “Sige, bahala ka na!”: Allowing Our Kids to Be Creative and Critical

Shop for Modern Parenting's print issues through these platforms.
Download this month's Modern Parenting magazine digital copy from:
Subscribe via [email protected]