Heart and Mind: Why Love Languages Matter for Parents And How They Protect Mental Health
Here’s how knowing each other’s love language protects one’s mental health as parents
When you’re a parent, your emotional reserves get used up fast — sleepless nights, juggling school/home tasks, work stress, and caring for little ones. Understanding how you and your partner receive love (your love languages) is more than romantic talk — it’s a tool to keep your mental health steady and your relationship strong.
Where We Learn Our Love Language
Love languages (words of affirmation; acts of service; quality time; gifts; physical touch) were popularized by Gary Chapman. But psychologically, how we develop our primary love language often roots back into childhood. Attachment theory suggests our early bonds with caregivers teach us how we feel secure, what affection feels like, and how we expect love to be expressed. Also, we absorb cultural norms (family, community, church) about what “being loved” looks like.
So, for many Filipino parents, what made them feel loved as a child — usually a home-cooked meal — becomes their default “language.” When our partner doesn’t use it, it’s like falling on deaf ears — even if they’re doing their best in their own language.
How Love Languages Help Parental Mental Health
- Emotional buffer: When you feel loved in your way, it lessens anxiety, allows you to feel seen, and provides safety during chaos.
- Reduced burnout: Acts of service or “help with chores” expressed in your love language prevents resentment (“Why do I always do everything?”).
- Conflict prevention: Knowing your partner’s love language helps interpret their gestures better, minimizing misunderstandings.
- Mutual empathy: When parents try to “speak” each other’s love language, it models empathy for kids — a strong predictor of healthy relationships.
What to Do If You and Your Partner Speak Different Love Languages
Most parents don’t share the same primary love language. That’s okay — it doesn’t mean the end of the connection. What matters is awareness and effort. Here’s how:
- Identify both your love languages — through reflection, talking together, or online quizzes.
- Communicate what you need specifically. (“When you hug me after work, I feel calm.”)
- Learn small habits: If your partner’s love language is quality time but yours is words of affirmation, maybe schedule 10 minutes daily where they say what they appreciate, and you spend focused time together.
- Be patient and intentional: It takes time to build new habits. Even when effort is slow, recognizing it matters for emotional safety.
- Adapt with creativity: Use small gestures — notes, texting, touch — even if they feel awkward at first. Mental health grows more from consistency than perfection.
Love Languages in the Filipino Context
In Filipino families, love often speaks softly but shows up in big, heartfelt ways — in the meals cooked with care, the errands quietly done, or the time spent gathered around the table.
Here, affection isn’t always spoken; it’s served, shared, and shown through acts of service and quality time. Physical touch and words of affirmation may take a backseat, shaped by generations that equated love with action rather than expression.
Yet in the rush of parenting, these everyday gestures can easily go unnoticed. For many couples, remembering that “doing” is often our way of saying “I love you” — and acknowledging it out loud — can rekindle warmth, gratitude, and connection at home.
When Love Languages Aren’t Enough: Setting Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes, good intentions don’t address the deeper mismatch or exhaustion. If you often feel unloved even though your partner does try, or if you constantly ask for words/time and get little, consider:
- Therapy or couples counseling: A third-party can help you both explore unmet needs.
- Self-care: Speak your own love language to yourself occasionally — treat, rest, affirmation.
- Revising expectations: Life with kids is messy; perfect romantic displays are rare. Adjusting what you expect helps reduce disappointment.
Not Everyone Has The Same Love Language
For Filipinos, love often speaks through actions. It’s usually in the form of a warm meal, an errand done, or time spent together. Yet, in the rush of parenting, these gestures can fade into routine. Remembering that “doing” is often our way of saying “I love you,” and taking a moment to acknowledge it, can rekindle warmth and gratitude at home.
At its heart, understanding each other’s love languages isn’t just about romance — it’s about emotional balance. When parents feel seen and appreciated, love feels lighter, and connection becomes part of everyday life — the truest language of all.
Love Languages for Parents
You can reflect on what moments make you feel most loved — is it praise, someone helping you, spending time together, gifts, or touch? You might also take online quizzes or talk with your partner about what they’ve noticed makes you feel good.
Not at all. It often means they express love in a different way — their own love language. With communication and small changes, most couples can learn enough of each other’s languages to feel emotionally nourished.
Yes. When your emotional needs are understood and met, stress decreases. Feeling seen, appreciated, and supported — even in small ways — helps protect against parental burnout, anxiety, and resentment.
There’s some debate. While Chapman’s love languages are widely used, recent studies suggest there’s limited empirical evidence for strict categories. Still, many therapists and couples find the concept helpful enough — not as a fixed rule, but as a guide for understanding needs and improving connection.
Share with your partner: “These are the ways I feel most loved.”
Schedule “check-ins” to ask what made you feel loved recently.
Try small gestures in your partner’s language for a week (e.g., leave notes, spend extra time, help without being asked, send memes).
Celebrate small wins — noticing the difference is part of strengthening the connection.
More about mental health and love?
Andi Manzano: Learning by Language of Love
Food as a Love Language: How Cooking Together Builds Connection
How Kids Understand The 5 Love Languages
